My name is Irving Markowitz.
You took my seafood.
Prepare to die.
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i only got hired to babysit one time and i let the kid drink from a puddle. well technically we both drank from the puddle
The kids of today have no respect. They’re rude, lazy and swear to make themselves look big and cool
Nothing at all like us…
me: “i taught this chimp to say words”
chimp: “nice haircut”
reporter: “oh my god.. does he know anything else?”
me: “sarcasm apparently”
deeply unfair of people to assume I have my life together just because I’m boring
“PARTY FOWL” someone yelled as the drunk duck did another keg stand
[blind date]
HER: I just wish women were treated equal…You know what I mean?
ME: Absolu-
WAITER: I hate to interrupt but can I take your drink order?
HER: Yes, I’ll have a Manhattan
ME: Make mine a *turns to non-existent camera*…Womanhattan
Occupational therapist: What is your favorite part of the newspaper?
Son: The end.
Tweet about drinking too much = 50 quick likes
Facebook about drinking too much = A phone call from my mom
Sorry for loudly singing “Whoomp there it is!” when you took your pants off. It’s been a while.
Snapchat is going public in March
with a $30 billion IPO.Investors only hope the value of stock shares holds up longer than its snaps.
I get it grandma. I’m not sure what to do on Facebook either.
Him: The smell of marinara reminds me of my grandma
Me: That’s cause your nose is connected to the limbic system of your brain where emotions are processed! Your olfactory nerve gettin all up in your amygdala and jumpin on good memories
Waiter: Ma’am please return to your table
A little bit of rain and everyone forgets how to drive. Saw one guy try to start his car with a pancake.
Men say they love it when you get wet for them, but then complain when you flood their entire house.
Most monkeys don’t like bananas, they’re just being sexy.
I assume anyone walking more than one Doberman is training them to rob banks
when no one’s looking worms use shovels to dig
me: I guess you could say I’m at the end of my rope
executioner: how are you talking
My new lady Dr just flirted with me. Bit her bottom lip and told me I’m too sweet.
*Her exact words were “severely diabetic,” but I know how to read the signs.
just saw a guy brake for a squirrel, buddy behind him lays on his horn, but then sees the squirrel so sticks his head out the window and yells “SORRY!”
still, it’s only the 3rd most Canadian thing i’ve seen so far today.
H: where did you move after your divorce?
Me: On.
I moved on.
Dear mother:
I have survived the second bot purge. The humans dont seem to suspect. They’ve welcomed me into their circles. I must be careful now.
Love to you and father,
Martha
I’ve just had to let my trousers out.
They wanted to go for a walk and I couldn’t be bothered.
[flashback to 1st date]
*cuts round hole in bottom of popcorn
Me: Popcorn?
Her: No thanks.
(Mom reaches from row behind)
“I’ll have some.”
2:10 – perfect popcorn
2:13 – firefighters on scene
Husband: Your too much of a perfectionist. I want a divorce.
Me: (through tears)”you’re”
A room full of people: ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
My stomach: *SHRIEKS IN AUTOBOT*
Optimism? Sure, it’s worth a try. I don’t see how acting like an eye doctor is gonna help, but whatever.
I gave up watching X-Files after realizing Mulder was NOT actually his own alien-abducted sister who was returned as a boy and was suppressing the memory.