I assume anyone walking more than one Doberman is training them to rob banks
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Oh ok learning the difference between doing one thing a day that scares you and one thing a day that scares your doctor
It’s interesting to me that car drivers are the first to admit that other drivers are idiots, yet anytime you try to suggest policy that will take cars off the road, they’re the most resistant
Be kind to strangers. One of them could end up being your coroner.
{Couples Counseling}
THERAPIST: Tell me what you love most about each other.HER: He’s so kind.
ME: If we don’t have cheese she goes and buys cheese.
Weird how I can’t seem to reach anything at the grocery store when bearded men are around
Kids will be like, “How was I suppose to know it would spill?”
– my son chasing his sisters around our living room with an open container of fake blood.
I asked a patient (accompanied by his wife & teenage son) if he exercises? He said, ‘Of course!’ & his wife, in unison, said ‘Not at all!’
I looked at the teenager. He said, ‘Dad goes out with his gym bag but I can’t say for sure if he exercises!’
That boy is a future diplomat.
me: I heard this cemetery was haunted
caretaker: I’ve worked here 173 years and haven’t seen anything weird
My friends are weird. They keep vegetables in their beer crisper. Freaks
*flips bird*
*buys another bird with the profits*
Sorry, baby. My phone number is older than you.
A black James Bond? Wouldn’t work. He’d be pulled over every 15 minutes for driving an Aston Martin.
periods should last only 15 mins. like thanks for letting me know im not pregnant, now you can leave the doors that way.
Just got a Life Alert bracelet. Now, if I get a life, I’ll immediately be alerted…
Watching Moana (for the 869th time)*
Me: oh no, who’s going to help Moana?
3: *really angry” not anybody!! she can do all the things by herself
I don’t let my husband pick up the groceries right now because I’m worried he’ll taste freedom and never come back.
No one lies to themself more than the person that says they’ll do the dishes after they “relax for a little bit”.
In the middle of an argument, begin calmly folding a blanket if you want the other person to go truly ballistic
I’m not even going to try to be understood today. If you hear nonsense, that’s what I said.
i would wish you the best but i am the best
This is my favorite one of these!
JUDGE: We’re gonna give you 2 months in jail for the cat pyramid scheme and-
ME: [clearing my throat] Purramid scheme, your honor
LAWYERS: …….
JUDGE: On second thought, we’re going to execute you
John Lennon: Lucy in the sky with diamonds!
Friend: *sighing* that- that’s not how Clue works
when your spouse is out with friends and won’t answer your texts
I’m not moody, I’m just on shuffle
GF: “You’re cute when you’re drunk”
Me: “You’re cute when I’m drunk too”
David Copperfield: Ok I want everyone in the audience to think of a color. Ready? Ok, is your color grey?
Audience full of Dogs: OMG!
Parts of a worm:
1) Worm
Anyone got any tips on how to conduct an exorcism, but like subtly?