This is my favorite one of these!
You Might Also Like
There should be an Uber for somebody to come over and wrap all your presents.
And then one day we decided we were tired of sleeping in and doing whatever we wanted whenever we wanted in a clean house, and we had kids.
“If the landlord asks, you’re a Chihuahua.”
Ray Rice. Michael Vick. And now Adrian Peterson. Congratulations, NFL. Your woman/children/animal abuse trifecta is officially complete.
[first date]
girl: I bet you’re really cute under those glasses
[removes frames/is instantly obliterated by Cyclops’ optic blast]
Now, if you all will excuse me I’m going into my closet and I’m not coming out until I find something with an elastic waist…
6yo (raises hand) Teacher, I know how to do dark mode.
*closes eyes
Welcome to your fifties, your movie reviews are no longer thumbs up or thumbs down, they’re did I fall asleep or stay awake.
Me, 19 at my first real corporate job: this is awesome. Why is everyone so grumpy??
me, 17 yrs later at same company: I swear to everything Carol if you “reply to all” one more damn time I will rip your face off and use it as a mask!!!!!
Lucy in the Sky with Some Splainin’ to Do.
Diet starts today.
I need to lose about 3 years.
My husband let me sleep late and in that time he cleaned the kitchen, installed a new faucet, and took out the trash.
I don’t know what he did wrong, but frankly, I don’t mind if he keeps doing it.
The good news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.
The bad news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.
*sees dead squirrel on the road*
Oh, poor squirrel.
*realizes it’s just a sock*
*whispers*
poor sock
Whoever came up with the phrase “actions speak louder than words” sure as shit never heard my 5 year old’s words
No matter which town/city in America you go to, there is one guarantee, and that is the locals absolutely roasting you for pronouncing the name of their town exactly how it is f***ing spelled
Things that are terrifying:
A snake on my hike
Clowns
My 3yo saying: ‘member your dark red lipstick that I like to draw with?
Some people shouldn’t be informed when this quarantine is over.
*crying and eating cookie dough ice cream*
HUSBAND: Did you have a bad day?
ME: No. Why?
I want a pet eagle that’s trained to steal people’s sandwiches for me.
Whenever there’s an immortal in any story they always know a dozen languages and have a ton of varied skills. Just once I want to see a character just squander it the way I would. 900 years old, barely speaks 1 language, binge watching The Office for the 7000th time
My french toast just surrendered to my german sausage.
Breakfast is weird at my house.
I broke a lightbulb, smashed artwork, splattered milk from cereal bowls across kitchen walls and knocked over candles.
Fly is dead.
Every time I buy vegetables it’s a triumph of hope over experience.
My doctor wants me to take a stress test.
I should pass with flying colors. I’ve been studying for this my whole life.
I don’t think a lot of people remember the psychological grip Nutella had on the American psyche in the early 2010s… It became its own governing body at one point
Does the thirty minutes of cardio have to be all at once or can you spread it out over fifty years?
My child is sniffing a bruise on his arm to figure out how badly it hurts.
GEICO: customer service, how can we help?
ME: I’ve been in a car accident
GEICO: ok are you in a safe location?
ME: *looking around bank vault I crashed into* how did you know?
People on Twitter trying to one-up you in the comments like:
“Oh, someone close to you died? Well I’m in the process of saying my last wor-“