Whenever there’s an immortal in any story they always know a dozen languages and have a ton of varied skills. Just once I want to see a character just squander it the way I would. 900 years old, barely speaks 1 language, binge watching The Office for the 7000th time
If I were a kidnapper, I’d drive around telling adults there’s naps in the van.
I can’t make it tonight. There’s a couple fighting at Target and the guy just started sarcastically clapping. I need to see where this goes.
To be clear, when I say “let’s get it on”, I’m talking about the two-person horse costume.
I’m ready for Halloween this year
When I practice my saxophone I have to put the cat in the window, so my neighbours know I’m not kicking it around the living room.
I’m not saying I’ve got a girl crush on you, I’m just saying lesbiadorable together.
[buys ghostbusters ringtone]
ME: who ya gonna call?
[1 hour later]
ME: who ya gonna call?!
[2 days later]
ME: *sobbing* I am so lonely
Me: Look. There’s a deer.
Hunter: Don’t spook it.
Me: *slowly stuffing a werewolf mask back into my backpack*
A lot of your 30’s involves finding out that the bartender is younger than you and so is your doctor.
Why did Norway put barcodes on their military boats?
So they could…..Scan da Navy in!
Starting next year, Santa comes in the afternoon while the kids are watching Netflix in their rooms so we don’t have to stay up all night assembling shit.
RT to cosign.
No one said your ‘cheat day’ had to be an Earth day. I use Mercury, it has a 1,408 hr day
Sorry my emotional support panther ate your emotional support peacock.
MS Office huh? So is there a *Mr* Office?
RELATIONSHIPS: Because sometimes destroying your life is a two person job
Some ppl like I TRUST ONLY YOU WITH MY SECRET DONT TELL ANYBODY and then go tell it to 10 ppl
Republicans, don’t forget to set your clocks back 50 years
Posted a photo of my clean house on Facebook and it was flagged as fake news.
I act like Pacman at parties.
I walk around the room eating everything in site and avoiding everyone.
Define “toned.”
-Me to the Creators of all Dating Apps
Any time a child tries to guess my age.
Goodnight room
Goodnight moon
Goodnight neighbor’s Christmas lights that’ll stay up til June
Would I miss my leg or my arm more?
(me, lying in bed, deciding which to put outside the blanket for the monster under the bed to rip off)
friend got a quirky ouija board rug for her house and now i mainly hang out there waiting for the roomba to summon demons and shit.
ME: sometimes i just repeat your name instead of laughing
HANNAH: that is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard
ME: hannahannahannahannaha
Breaking news:
Moms don’t go on vacation, we just cook and clean in a different house for a week.
Blinded by the light is really just a song about turning the bathroom light on in the middle of the night.
Facebook conspiracy theorists are already warning that the monkeypox vaccine contains a microchimp.
No, please, let me give up my subway seat to your 6-year-old child who must be bone-tired from a life consisting mostly of playing & napping
