Whenever there’s an immortal in any story they always know a dozen languages and have a ton of varied skills. Just once I want to see a character just squander it the way I would. 900 years old, barely speaks 1 language, binge watching The Office for the 7000th time
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[dj voice] “Make some noise, Dad Party!”
*dads go nuts*
“Whatcha wanna hear, I’m taking requests”
[in unison] HI TAKING REQUESTS I’M DAD
Whoever named them waterfalls got it 100% right.
A political analyst said we can defeat ISIS by “crippling them financially” so maybe we can sneak into Syria and build them a Whole Foods.
Prior authorizations be like:
My doctor: You need this medicine.
Dr to pharmacy: She needs this medicine.
Pharmacy to insurance: Her doctor says she needs this medicine.
Insurance: Does she though? Let’s ask her doctor.
Boyfriend and Boy friend…..
See that little space between the second one?
Thats called the friend zone!
BULLY: lol as if you’ve got a date for prom
ME: uh yes, actually, I have
BULLY: Damn
ME *confidently smooths down shirt* It’s May 23rd. I’ll be going alone
I just read an Amazon review (not for one of my books) that said “it feels like the author was just making it up as they went along” and I can’t stop laughing. Like, dude, I hate to tell you this…
[old couple feeding ducks in the park]
“Nothing could ruin this Edna”
*I scare all the ducks away, punch the old man and steal their bread
I think college costs are so high because at that point parents are willing to pay anything to get their kids out of the house.
If I’m murdered, I hope I’m able to write out the killer’s name in blood and then “sucks” underneath
Hey Mexican food restaurant waiter, if the basket is empty you don’t have to ask. YES I WANT MORE CHIPS!
*Dressing up like a School Lice Outbreak Notice for Halloween*
Decided don’t want to have children. Wonder if the wife will accept my decision. Suppose the kids may not be best pleased either.
Avoid talking politics at Thanksgiving this year by getting a sweet neck tattoo the day before
I HAVE FINALLY MET MY DREAM MAN
*Stays in interrogation room after being told I’m free to leave anytime*
-Y’all have excellent wifi here. Can I possibly get more coffee?
“I love you but I don’t trust you,” I say to my dog as I put cheese and crackers on the table.
I’m on the breadstick diet. You can only eat breadsticks but you can eat as many as you want. It’s not working.
Just witnessed a home depot walk of shame (guy taking his purchase back in because it wouldn’t fit in his car)
Whatever you do, always give 100%. Unless you’re donating blood
I charge people $5 if they say “It is what it is.”
Wife: Thanks for escorting me to the subway. I feel much safer w/you around.
Me: Hey, if anyone’s going to murder my wife, it’s going to be me.
You want me to respect scientists. The people who almost killed E.T.
Accidentally took my mother’s id to the polling station and committed voter freud.
“As CEO of Tortoise Enterprises, this merger with Slug Corp is… Linda, where is everyone?”
“They all called to say they’re running late”
21st century kid on Santa’s lap-“Yo santa, some more insta followers would be real dope for Christmas. Thanks bruh bruh”
Women’s deodorant: Spring Breeze, Lilac, Gentle Sunshine.
Men’s deodorant: Sport, Mountain, Forest Fire, Rage, Fistfight, Childhood Angst.
Pregnant women are full of ‘compressed heir’
Priest: for what have you come to ask forgiveness, my dear?
Me: my student loans
Priest: [to god] can…can she do that?