Whenever there’s an immortal in any story they always know a dozen languages and have a ton of varied skills. Just once I want to see a character just squander it the way I would. 900 years old, barely speaks 1 language, binge watching The Office for the 7000th time
Ladies, he’s not working late. He’s trying to steal the declaration of independence. Stay woke
Me: I must be out of my mind.
Me: You and me both.
I don’t do weights but my 4yo refuses to walk sometimes so yeah I lift
[ funeral ]
me: *whispering* i never know what to do w my hands
her: *also whispering* well you can definitely stop clapping
Jack: I want to be nimble
Genie: ok
Jack: and also quick
Genie: ok those are the same thin-
Jack: last but not least I want to jump as high as a candle
Er, no; we’re clearly searching for firewood. Anything you wanna talk about, bro?
Two things I learned this weekend are:
1. I’m not too old to get in a hammock.
2. I’m too old to get out of a hammock.
The First 48 is on from now until 4am. If anyone needs me I’ll be on my couch solving homicides and eating schnacks.
(Don’t need me)
*applies conditioner to my to-do list to make it more manageable*
[dating site message]
So is that blank silhouette in your profile a recent blank silhouette?
Winner of the first annual socially distancing award goes to…
I’m telling you to go to hell because I’m poor. If I was rich I would kill you.
We’ve all been there…
The only ones awake 3am are the lonely & the loved.
And also the sick who have to take antibiotics & pain killers.
” I gotta see this guys best tweet,
I’ll gift him Favstar Pro”.Said no one ever.
my boss was like “people working from home are just pretending to work” and it’s like, dude, what do you think i’m doing in the office?
saw five goats walking on their hind legs through the woods, is that bad
I just want a woman with the face of Katy Perry and the feet of Fred Flintstone.
Genius idea!!
Friend: Don’t you recycle?
Me: I do what I can.
F: What about the seals?
M: Am I responsible for their recycling, too?!
Unsure if you want kids or not? My son told me he throws the grapes that “look funny” behind the couch and I just found his secret pile of rotting fruit.
When you find out your hotel has a waffle bar.
“but you said you were right around the corner.” Let me stop you right there. I never said what corner
That’s fair
I’ve never seen Les Misérables, but it looks like a cool movie about people who sing while working at Urban Outfitters.
Using my teeth to open the pack of hot dogs I brought for my inflight snack
dracula: *bites neck*
me: oh, I should probably warn you-
dracula: *dies*
me: i am 50% garlic bread
My real name is maybe one of the top 5 whitest names ever invented and I just picked up my online order at a KFC that is deep in the hood where I’m maybe the only white guy within a mile and as soon as I went in they said “Here he is. Thats (my name)” and I lol’d.
Receptionist: Psychiatric Unit, can I help you?
Me: Yes, I’d like to make a reservation…
cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
me: is it the body in my trunk?
cop: haha
me: haha
body in my trunk: haha
