*Dressing up like a School Lice Outbreak Notice for Halloween*
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Little kid *stubbing toe*: Gosh dang it!
[heaven]
Gosh: Why is it only kids get my name right?
Jeez Louise: Tell me about it.
[googling]
me: [how to get wife to stop cheating]
google: it won’t stop jim
me: [please google please stop porking my wife]
google: i can give her things that you can’t
me: [we have children]
google: you sure they’re yours jim?
me: [looks down at my son, algorithm] oh god
her: *gets on knees*
me: oh yeah
her: *goes down to all fours*
me: oh yeah
her: *bends over backwards, crawls around the room and screeches praises to The Dark One*
me: oh no
Our son attempted to explain to his little sister why his mom and I are married, so he told her, “Daddy was the only boy who liked mommy!”
i am disgusted by the physical act of handshaking. it is morally unacceptable that u cant just extend your arm and fist the wind
In high school I was best known as “Hey what’s your friends name?”
Ahhh the sweet smell of Christmas
My cat has taught me that an 80:20 ratio of sleep to physical activity is really the way to go
11: Mom if you’re sweating in a sweater does that make you the sweater?
Me: Just brush your teeth.
Drove a wedge of suspicion today between the fast food employee at the first window and the one at the second.
Last week my son asked me why we don’t just call them ‘water hydrants’ and I still don’t have an answer for him.
A bunch of bras is called a support group.
Thanks for following.
Everybody complaining about how old Biden is, but not ONE person suggesting a viable plan to make him younger. Smh
I will have a piñata at my funeral.
You know, to make people happy.
It will be filled with bees.
You know, to make me happy too.
I gave my boyfriend/husband my passcode for my phone, not because I trust him to be mature about what he finds, but because I know he’d never remember it.
People with no volume control stress me out.
I’m sorry I can’t pay attention to you because I’m literally watching everyone else pay attention to you for this personal conversation. I feel like maybe they should just chime in since they’re probably invested now.
In a car crash a dog would rescue you.
However a cat would pour liquor over your face and testify against you in court.
Sure I’d love a long chat. Let me make you more comfortable. *slides a cactus plant between us*
My wife’s online shopping downstairs so I’m upstairs logged on to the same site and deleting everything in her cart.
dont freak out but everything is made of chemicals
me 2 months after i graduated
That awkward moment when someone is cooking fish in the office and all the girls begin sniffing themselves.
I. FORGOT.
I. FORGOT.
Ace of Base and the Lords of Acid meet in a bar and neutralize each other
This is bullshit. Panic bought this 100 lb bag of rice when quarantine started; only eaten a fistful because it’s all sharp and hard and crunchy, NOT like in the restaurants.
Leg day is just a fake day invented by Big Leg to sell more leg
“fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u” – a goldfish 🙁
Can’t wait for the air quality to improve so I can continue staying indoors and avoiding social commitments
pharmacist: are you getting a booster?
me: high chair please.