Why can’t deer slowly cross the road, all cool and Pacino like
“I’m walking here!”
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Unsolved Mysteries: We don’t know what happened, and now neither do you.
how come some families are all, like, “our ancestry can be traced back to some of the most important people who ever walked the earth,” & my family is all, like, “that raccoon is your uncle chet.”
Friend: Have you ever seen a hummingbird?
Me: [trying to imagine a bird with lips]
Proctology is located in A55
My wife says I remind her of James Bond. I’m bad at following orders, I’m emotionally dead, and she’d like to see the role go to Idris Elba.
My son got me some very expensive cologne for Father’s Day. I know it was very expensive because he used my credit card.
That time I pointed out to the guy trying to sell a magazine subscription that I have a “No Soliciting” sign and he rolled his eyes and said, “Yeah but I’m not soliciting, I’m selling”. Thus ends the tale of why I have a “do not disturb” sign.
I’m too young to always make noises when I bend down to pick something up off the ground
Everyone stop over reacting!
There was no Earthquake….
I slipped in the shower, these things happen…
What is bluesky and is it pronounced like a cloudless day or a Polish last name?
HER: Let’s do some role playing
ME: Okay, be ur sister
HER: I was thinking a sexy profession..
ME: Oh okay. What’s ur sister do for work?
Our son came home one day with
a note from his first grade teacher:Your son bit another boy today.
Is he getting enough to eat at home ?
Me: Omg it’s soooo hot!
Dog: You want me to sit on you?
The kids report cards are coming out today so I’m excited to see how I did.
This skinny girl just told me she “forgets” to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it’s contagious.
*shows up to marathon with perfect hair* Yeah I’ve been conditioning a lot for this race
I’ve had relationships like this
My new neighbour is breaking the law by making noise every night after 11. Do I call the police for this or confront the newborn directly?
[ant colony]
husband: I am beat
wife: you’re the one who wanted to be in construction. I should’ve married a doctor
husband: yeah but *flexing* can a doctor lift 5,000 times his body weight?
wife: WE ALL CAN, GARY
If we’re on a road trip and you don’t point out a cow when we see one you will have to get out and walk. Those are the rules. No exceptions.
Fitness guru just tweeted “remember to breathe” and it was pure luck that I got the message in time.
Person: Did you see Top Gun with Tom Cruise?
Me: He was busy that day. I saw it with somebody else.
A fun thing about having kids is how they ask for help with their homework.
On the way to school.
*halfway through watching the movie ‘the sting’, i finally lean over to my wife & whisper* if i don’t see any bees in this movie in the next five minutes i’m going to bed
My bra is off, my pajamas are on, my hair is up. I’m not sure if I’m going to bed, or to Walmart.
Look, I’m not saying he’s a bad dentist. I’m just saying maybe you should check his references.
🙀🙀🙀😹
My gf asked me if I’d continue to love her even after marriage and i said yes.
Then..she got married.
every year on my birthday i take a bite out of this windowsill bc i get so excited
Just between you and me – when I said I worked well both as an individual and as part of a team on that job application, the latter part was complete horseshit.