*halfway through watching the movie ‘the sting’, i finally lean over to my wife & whisper* if i don’t see any bees in this movie in the next five minutes i’m going to bed
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Shoutout to everyone who remembers the days before satnavs, when you’d go to visit someone on the outskirts of London and 4 hours later you’d pass Big Ben for the 2nd time while screaming
I stared out at my shrubs for a nice long while, trying to figure out how a giant board got lodged in them, before I realized that it was just a reflection of the box behind me in the living room. I need to lie down.
Listen, if you are going to someone’s house for Thanksgiving, compliment their baseboards. That is what they are spending today cleaning
Over 400 billion people a year are victims of exaggerated statistics.
“For I am Christ the Redeemer, He Who Saves!”- Jesus, using his coupons.
Why do New Yorkers constantly think New York is the only place that has things?
I’m not the prettiest girl, or the smartest, I don’t have a perfect body, and this started out as a tweet but is now my suicide note.
Paramedic: What happened?
Me: [lying in pool of blood] I told my girlfriend she was turning into her mother and she stabbed me.
Paramedic: They all turn into their moth– *also gets stabbed*
I’m a champion of grammar;
A grampion, if you will.
mom: no TV for a week!
dad: and after you take a bath you can’t use your hands to get out of the tub
*sons jaw drops*
mom: [whispers] nice
When life hands you women, make women laid.
Me: On today’s episode of Inside the Actor’s Studio….apartment….
Ryan Reynolds: How did you get in here?
Just told my dog to say goodnight to his brother, the houseplant
I bumped into a cute guy today.
I clawed his face off.
I should work on my people skills.
Me: “Hey bud, do you want to pick out a new fish after school today?”
5yo: “Yeah. Are we going to order it on Amazon?”
Me: “No, we’ll go to the pet store.”
5yo: “Oh. Do THEY order it on Amazon?”
worm gf: would you still love me if i was a beautiful woman
I’m quitting drinking for a year.
*I’m quitting. Drinking for a year.
Sorry, punctuation is everything.
Knock knock
“Who’s there?”
“Dejav”
“Dejav who?”
Knock knock
Funny how the more time we spend at home, the more we look like homeless people.
My 4yo asserts dominance by aggressively putting snacks in my hand so she can take dance breaks
Everyone else could have their eyes shut, runny noses and food in their teeth but if I look thin, it’s a GREAT group photo.
Maybe the guy yelling random words into the sky at the bus-stop isn’t crazy..
…maybe he’s just trying to figure out 2020’s safe word
This morning my neighbor put a note in my letterbox telling me off for honking my horn to say goodbye to my kids at 9am yesterday
This evening, I’m learning to play the drums
Toddler: [spills cup of apple juice]
Me: Don’t move!
Toddler: [sits on spill]
My husband makes coffee for me every morning even when we’re fighting. Consider this evidence if I ever die by poison.
Nice try appliances that play music when the cycle is over. You’re not tricking me into enjoying housework.
How many times is too many times to say ” oh boy ” during sex?
Most of my Biology exams were Bio D Gradeable.
I’ll let myself out.
Give me your crispy noodles and no one gets hurt.
I love when I make people laugh so hard they spit out their water…
Or food…
Or baby…