mom: no TV for a week!
dad: and after you take a bath you can’t use your hands to get out of the tub
*sons jaw drops*
mom: [whispers] nice
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[house party]
ME: Hey, can I get you a glass of wine?…a beer?…vodka?
HER: Do you have anything nonalcoholic?
ME: Uh…do you mean like a joint?
Only thing I Iike about kids, is their ability to attract ice cream trucks
I like my men, like I like my coffee.
So hot, that I have to keep blowing.
Why did the chemist’s pants keep falling down?
Because he had no acetol
HER: Shake what your momma gave you!
ME: *Tosses around crippling anxiety and male pattern baldness*
RABBIT HUSBAND: You look even better after a full day of work. I don’t know how you do it, honey.
RABBIT WIFE: They test cosmetics on me.
My kid just locked me out of the house in 95 degree weather, but sure, “it goes by so fast.”
MARATHON RUNNER: [breaks through ribbon at finish line]
GUY WHO LOVES MARATHONS: Hooray
GUY WHO LOVES RIBBONS: What the shit
I hope this cauliflower salad I’m bringing to the BBQ gets me laid.
Friend: you’ve been acting weird ever since you won that hundred dollars
Me: what ever do you mean, old sport?
Phlebotomist: Have you had blood drawn before, sir?
Rambo: *semi-unintelligible* first, first part II, and last
[driving home from a party]
MRS. ELEPHANT: you’re still upset aren’t you
MR. ELEPHANT: i can’t believe they just ignored us like that
MRS. ELEPHANT: they aren’t worth it, just forget it
MR. ELEPHANT: *slams steering wheel* you know I can’t do that linda
In my defense,
I was left unsupervised.
I love it when all my iPhone apps tremble in fear when I’m about to delete one of them. Makes me feel like God.
I can hear fireworks so I have to go leave a nose print on every window of my house to try to find them
Wow I ordered too much food.
Here, you can have half of it.*5 minutes later*
Okay I’m gonna need that back
Let’s send Sarah out into a swamp in a dress.
– news stations
I imagine by now all you Evian drinkers have read the name backwards?
Y’know the trouble with nude dancing is that not everything stops when the music does.
Me: I’m single – I can eat beans whenever I like
Also me: why am I still single
Apparently Pound Town is NOT a British dollar store
The only good part about moving is you find every single pair of scissors you have ever owned
How much for the best friend?
Manager : Sir, we’ve been through this, our cashiers aren’t for sale.
My Nissan uncomfortably seats 7 if any group of people wants to take an intimate road trip
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: I don’t know when to quit.
Interviewer: You’re hired!
Me: I quit.
[grabs mic during TED Talk] They’re towing a BMW in the parking lot
*crowd goes apeshit*
Technically, it’s only cannibalism if you eat the top half of the mermaid, your honour.
I just unplugged my WIFI and heard someone yell WTF from across the street!
Alfred: *placing pancakes in the shape of the Bat Signal* Here are your pancakes, Master W-
Bruce: They’re Batcakes Alfred. Say “Batcakes!”