*sips coffee*
*thinks to myself as I walk away*
Carol seems grumpy today…
*takes another sip from Starbucks cup that says “Carol”*
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I tried to take peanut butter through airport security.
TSA: Sorry, no liquids, gels, or aerosols.
Me: I want you to tell me which of those things you think peanut butter is.
you could post a photo of a celebrity like “she looked so cool in the 90s” and some freak will quote tweet it like “Yeah, she looked so cool in the outfit she wore to go run over 15 people with her car on June 4th, 1993.” and it’s like i’m sorry why would i know about that
Shhhh, I am tracking a package so I need you to remain very quiet so you don’t scare it away
It’s not a real relationship, until you’ve apologized to a locked bathroom door.
6: Dad, let’s make a deal. Let me be in charge of everything, and I’ll let you have 10 coffees a day, also you can have…
Me: Sold!
Me: Well, I’m off to perform another organ transplant.
Wife: You’re a piano mover, you idiot.
Me: I change lives, Linda. I change lives.
I need to stop saying “oppa gagnam style!” to fill in awkward pauses in conversation
[christmas dinner]
me:
extended family member:
me:
extended family member:
me:
[First day waiting tables]
Customer: do you have wings?
Me: *flaps elbows* no, just regular arms
Speak when you are angry and you will make the best speech you will ever regret. – Ambrose Bierce
You come home from a long day at work, you want to relax with a movie, you pop in a blu-ray, turn down the lights, press play, and the first thing you see is an angry lion roaring at you. No wonder Hollywood is dying.
true crime documentaries are like “he was a good man except to his spouse, children, coworkers, and victims”
Where can I buy a purebred chupacabra on short notice?
Remember to horrify your friends and family by testing out your tweets on Facebook today
Whenever I see someone crying in public, I figure they won Coldplay tickets.
Me: I’m gonna go outside and stand in the field
Boss: Haha so we can say you’re “outstanding in your field”
Me: No I want to get hit by lightning
old people like to golf every day because they are so sick of everyone’s shit and just wanna repeatedly whack something
I said NO, Steve! It’s a terrible idea. We’ll never get away with it…
[boarding plane with really old pilot]
“think his heart will hold out? lol”
attendent: excuse me, sir?
“depart out, what time do we leave?”
“Get Well Soon” is a lovely thing to write on a card for someone whose home is without a water supply.
My neighbours are so judgemental about me working from home. Mostly because I use their home.
just once i’d like my dog to give me a treat
Dating profiles should make you share a sound bite of you sneezing.
I got pulled over for speeding just outside Atlanta. The cop asked why I was in town, I said to do stand up, he asked me to tell him a joke, I told a really dirty one, he didn’t give me a ticket. Honestly, one of my all-time highest paid stand up gigs!!!
[Afterlife]
Bird 1: All he had was one rock.
Bird 2: His aim was perfection.
Like my therapist always says, “I’m not your therapist, you’re just laying on a couch in Ikea”
my wife and i went furniture shopping this weekend and one couch just shouted “take me home” at us, so we left because nobody needs a talking couch
Friend: your kid is bouncing off the walls and running everywhere!
Me: yeah… she’s super tired
Friend: tired?
Me: it’s complicated
Me: Ok kids, vacation time!!
Kids: Yay!
M: See you in a week!
*slams door*Kids: …
The expression “you catch more bees with honey” also could imply that you may get stung by said bees.