Like my therapist always says, “I’m not your therapist, you’re just laying on a couch in Ikea”
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My phone should just know if the passcode is entered incorrectly the first 3 times then it’s definitely me.
Uterus: cry
Me: What? Wait, why I’m not even do-
Uterus: CRY.
[interview for fireman]
“So why do you think you’re a good fireman?”
I lit the building on fire
“What?”
Now watch as I try to put it out
When my Internet is down for more than 2 minutes, I assume Western civilization has collapsed so I start looting.
Him: You’ve got a birthday coming up soon. I guess that means I should get you something.
Me: You don’t have to.
Him: Yes I do.
Me: No you don’t. I mean you could, but you don’t hav…
Him: ThErE iT iS!!!
If I ask for directions and you answer me with cardinal ones, you should know that I will get lost… I need concrete references, like “across from the red house with a crocked tree, 2 blocks from a dead squirrel, turn right when you see the old lady that drinks Shiners at 7am”.
You can have kids or you can always know where your scissors are.
You can’t have both.
I’m not here to offend anyone; I’m here to offend everyone.
i’m on my way to a date with a girl i asked out while blackout drunk in the bathroom of pie express. i don’t know what she looks like or why she agreed to go out with me but wish us luck lmao
I have this fun drinking game where you take a drink every time you’d like one because you’re an adult and you can make decisions yourself.
the year is 3403 AD, crime is legal and cop’s are illegal, only one man is willing to break the law to make the law legal again: Crimecop
The worst part of Aquaman’s day is when he has to kill time on land for half an hour after eating a meal.
Teens running from a party after the cops get called invented parkour
I’m not a chef but sometimes I use the word umami so people know I’ve seen some cooking shows.
“Did you ever try my hot salty water?” – Inventor of soup
62% of marriage conversation is just
spouses stating “I never said that.”
[prison]
me: I think I’m breaking out
cell mate: no way that’s insane
me: I know my skin is usually like never this bad
Why do people get photo shoots done for newborns? Just find some pictures online they all look the same.
mr. miyagi: sweep the leg, daniel-san
daniel-san: do i have to, sensei?
mr. miyagi: *sucks the meat off a chicken thigh, chucks it on the floor* yep. then wax my cars again, nerd
Me: *breaks the neck of my enemy to save ammo
Everyone else at laser tag: 😳
“Mommy don’t sit on the swing because you’re going to make it wider!” – my daughter screaming to me at the park
If you offer me celery I’ll use it as it was originally intended, to beat you with.
I accidentally spilled water on the rice so I immediately put it in a jar of smartphones.
8 yo, singing quietly to himself “dancing queen, young and sweet, only seven teeth”
I must have been a raccoon in a former life. I started out cute and cuddly but the older I get the hairier and crazier I get.
Now I have a garbage pallet and I’ll probably hiss at you for touching my snacks.
I still like to cuddle though.
Trader Joe’s: What if pumpkin had a baby with everything?
[exchanging vows]
HIM: I’ll love you forever.
HER: I’ll love you until you leave me a voicemail.
HIM: Wait, what?!
PRIEST: No, that’s fair.
Barber: “How would you like your hair cut, sir?”
Me: “With scissors.”
Barber: “Very good, sir.”
*puts samurai sword down*
*leaves the kids w/ a new babysitter
*calls to check on the sitter
Message to my Haters: i hope you wake up nineteen minutes before your alarm goes off tomorrow