I must have been a raccoon in a former life. I started out cute and cuddly but the older I get the hairier and crazier I get.
Now I have a garbage pallet and I’ll probably hiss at you for touching my snacks.
I still like to cuddle though.
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My 5yo is a pretty good drawer but there’s only so many t-shirts you can fit into a tiny person.
Be the reason why your priest clutches their rosary when they look at you.
Interviewer: What were you doing during this two-year gap on your résumé?
Me: Downloading a software upgrade on my iPhone.
[Japan]
HEAD SCIENTIST: Hey, what did you guys do with all the nuclear waste?
*distant Godzilla noises*
Me: At work, I’m always the smartest person in the room
Friend: You teach first grade
[Creation]
God:*creates single-cell life form* “Wahoo!”
*cell divides*
God:”What the-”
*cells divide again*
God:”Oh shi-“
It truly bothers me how many people would marry someone just for their money. Because I’m trying to do that & you’re lowering my chances.
I can’t believe these women are just walking around with yoga mats like a game of yoga might just break out at any moment
imagine bumping into someone on the street and all the money in ur checking account flies out of ur body and litters the ground disappearing after mere seconds never to return. this is what life is like for sonic the hedgehog every day
Do you ever look at someone and think “god, you’re so amazing” I mean even when they’re sleeping and you’re hidden in their closet…
When someone asks for advice about dumping their partner, they don’t mean in the woods.
I know that now.
Make porridge seem more glamorous by describing it as “Oat Cuisine”.
If it comes down to me and a plate of fried food, there will only be one victor. And that victor will be slightly nauseous and have the meat sweats.
My iPhone corrects “WHOA” to “WHOSE”, which just made my text response to “I JUST HAD A BABY!!!” a little awkward.
i cant believe ashton kutcher made the apple computer and iphones. thank you ashton
[in class]
Me: hey, can I borrow a pen?
Guy: sure, black or blue?
Me [sweating & swelling up]: you got one for bee stings?
They bad news is my teenager is running a fever; the good news is he’s still feeling well enough to make “yo mama” jokes.
Autocorrect is changing correctly spelled words. I’m starting to think it has a mind of its AUTOCORRECT IS HARMLESS. GO ABOUT YOUR BUSINESS.
whoever said misery loves company spelled calories wrong
*grilled cheese
cheese: i want a lawyer
My third bottle of wine was able to “breathe” for a few hours when I opened it at 3am and passed out on the floor.
[tarot reader looks at my cards]
you’re gonna die clonking your head on something
I just got a text from an ex telling me he wanted to “reach out.” This isn’t a work email buddy.
Become a parent, so you, too, can be accused of putting too much yolk in an egg.
I stole a podium. I’m finally taking a stand.
(Listen, I am very stoned and this is hilarious to me)
Cooking directions: Stir constantly until it comes to a boil.
Me: Orders takeout.
HER: I love Game Of Thrones
ME(trying to impress her): I slept with my sister
her: why is the cat so sparkly?
me: I think she looks fabulous.
her: WHAT DID YOU PUT IN THE LITTER BOX?
me: you mean the glitter box?
Passwords:
Outlook- work1234
Aol- kidsnames
home alarm- anniversary
Twitter- supercalifragilist{middlename}espialido{graduationyear}cious