imagine bumping into someone on the street and all the money in ur checking account flies out of ur body and litters the ground disappearing after mere seconds never to return. this is what life is like for sonic the hedgehog every day
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BREAKING: Dressed as Cat, Jared Leto Pushes Fellow Attendees Off Table at Met Gala
Why does marriage have to be so hard?
My wife: Where did you get this number?
PRO TIP: If a girl in a hot bikini DMs you about crypto, ignore him.
The remote does not go next to the TV. That’s the opposite of why you have a remote.
Guy wearing Superman t-shirt. LOL. Way to blow your identity idiot.
Man “addicted to brake fluid” claims he can stop any time he wants.
‘Stealing someone’s coffee is called mugging.’
[ping pong]
ME: 3 to 2, my serve
JESUS:
M: can I have the ba-
J: the Son of Man came not to be served but to serve
M: [exhales] every time
if cupid went bow hunting would the deer population increase or decrease?
Given their destructive force to homes, kids’ birthday parties should get names like hurricanes do. Birthday Party Hugo.
This coyote won’t let me get close enough to put a sweater on him.
[holds up egg]
This is your brain[cracks egg into frying pan]
This is your brain if it was some scrambled eggs[adds pepper]
Needed pepper[eats egg]
Mmm brains
Me: One large buttery popcorn please!
Him: Ma’am you have to buy a ticket to get into the movies…
Me: One large buttery popcorn TO GO SIR
I’ve been singing “it’s the most wonderful time of the year” to my kids in honor of school starting, and wow, are they mad about it.
They say time flies when you’re having fun which would explain why I’m stuck in 1998.
Imagine being held hostage for an entire video game and when your rescuer finally gets to you they were like, “Sorry it took so long, I had to find a special hat and help some villagers collect blueberries.”
exclusively asking for swords for Christmas and if I get even one everyone who didn’t get me one better watch out
The number of things that are *not* rocket science is staggering.
[any medication commercial]
good news, we have something that will likely make things worse for you
A GPS. But for where your story is going.
A ’diagnosis’ is always bad. No one says ”I was diagnosed with a great sense of humor and a new understanding of global economics.”
CREATION OF THE WORLD DAY 1
ANGEL: I’m looking forward to watching this project evolve.
*awkward silence
GOD: We NEVER use that word here
Kids: Always remember to brush your drugs and don’t do teeth.
me: What? A lot of people launch shopping carts across parking lots
wife: Yeah but they take the kid out first!
son *screaming*
ME: thanks for “showing me the ropes” lol
SAILING INSTRUCTOR: you’re not even making a joke sailing is literally where that comes from
I once had a customer complain that her steak “tasted like cow.” I was so confused that I said, “Well, I sure hope so” which caused her husband to burst out laughing. She quickly shot him the death stare and I often wonder where she hid his body.
Son: Facebook is for old people.
Me: That’s not true, pretty much everyone I know is on i- …oh…
If you’re pretty, you’re pretty; but the only way to be beautiful is to be loving. Otherwise, it’s just “congratulations about your face.”
Siri disappoints once again when she refuses my ask for a tactical air strike on the slow-moving car in front of me.
Apparently when a potential employer asks you “where do you see yourself in five years?”, “I’m hoping to have found Bigfoot by then” isn’t the answer they’re looking for.