exclusively asking for swords for Christmas and if I get even one everyone who didn’t get me one better watch out
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I Photoshop paddington into a movie or TV show until I forget: Day 520
How am I supposed to be professional when something at work is called a dongle?
[on a first date]
Ok, don’t let her know you’re really a squirrel…
Her: I had a great time, good night!
Me: *runs in front of her car
My wife says I’m too trusting. At least he says he’s my wife.
(trying to climb out of bean bag chair) you’re breaking up with me?
sometimes if i’m having trouble falling asleep i just pretend i’m watching lord of the rings
Wife: please don’t
I look her in the eyes, kiss her delicately and shake my head
Me: somethings are worth fighting for
I slowly stand, catch my breath for a few seconds and start walking towards the buffet bar for the 10th time
Boss: We’re going to replace you with a robot
Me: lol good luck getting a robot to match my performance
Boss: It’s broken and does nothing
Me: shit
I replaced my old flat pillow that hurt my neck with a new fat fluffy pillow that hurts my neck.
A friend and I just decided that in 10 years if we aren’t married we will tell each other what’s honestly wrong about ourselves.
If you feel like you hate everyone, eat.
If you feel like everyone hates you, sleep.
If you feel like you hate yourself, shower.
If you feel like everyone hates everyone, go outside.
kinda want to get my dog to bark for 2 minutes as my voice mail so no one ever leaves me one again
Passwords:
Outlook- work1234
Aol- kidsnames
home alarm- anniversary
Twitter- supercalifragilist{middlename}espialido{graduationyear}cious
Me, noticing my takeout salad came with a fork AND chopsticks: “Why would anyone eat a salad with chopsticks?”
Also me: tries to eat salad with chopsticks
America: We are free from the British, what should we do first?
Someone in the back of the crowd: Let’s change our spelling
🎶99 sheets of TP on the roll
99 sheets of TP,
You take one down,
Make it all brown,
98 sheets of TP on the roll.
98 sheets of TP on-🎶Wife [outside bathroom door]: PLEASE STOP SINGING
Forgot to take off my makeup and woke up looking like Cyndi Lauper from 1983.
Ruby Tuesday lures you in with the promise of “bottomless fries” but then escorts you out with “you have to wear pants in here”.
Me: I’d like to adopt that baby.
Clerk: Sir, that’s a family sized
platter of Super Nachos.
I’m beginning to suspect that my boyfriend is not really a ninja & that he moved out nine month ago.
WIFE: we’ve be ME: er
WIFE: married so l ME: ar panels
WIFE: we com ME: puter
WIFE: each o ME: ctopus
WIFE: sen ME: ta claus
Things that go bump in the night except it’s me sneaking back in from the pub.
My teen used the word buoyancy to describe something, so I asked her to spell that, and without missing a beat she said ” Duh Beyoncé “
Sometimes I just sit and admire the gray in my husband’s beard, how distinguished it’s becoming, and think “I DID THAT”
Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women. For example, Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.
I used to wonder what it’d be like to read other people’s minds.
Then I got a Twitter account, and I’m over it.
[ascending to heaven] oh wow I can’t believe I made it
[passing heaven by and going towards the sun] ok fair
Started my new healthy diet today. Breakfast is 2 almonds, I lick an apple for lunch, and dinner is yelling at a picture of myself naked.
I get it Roomba, I can’t find my way out of the kitchen either.
Me: I got my YOLO tattoo covered up
GF: Good. I told you it was just a stupid fad
Me: I know
GF: What’d you get?
Me: *reveals Minion tattoo*