My teen used the word buoyancy to describe something, so I asked her to spell that, and without missing a beat she said ” Duh Beyoncé “
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*butterfly climbing out of chrysalis*
oh my god I’m turning into my mother
I ate a shepherd’s pie for lunch. He was pretty upset about it.
Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you’re welcome
OK. Hear me out. We are acquiring way too many of these and you’re not good at keeping them dusted anyway. So, let’s just dump EVERYONE’S cremated remains into this big one and clear up some table space.
I bought way too much food when the pandemic began and now my tater tots are tater tweens.
What kind of vegetable does an Elephant eat?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Squash
Did you know if you weigh yourself, then take a dump, then weigh the dump & weigh yourself again, you’ll be banned from Walgreens for life?
Me: [bursts into wife’s meeting] BABE, IT HAPPENED!
Wife: Dave, I’m at wo-
Me: I paid for 6 [empties chicken nuggets on table] I got 7
Just remember, you’re my “plus one,” and not my “hostage.”
[inventor of frisbee]
“I hate this plate”
Oh we’re halfway there
Oh oh running from a bear
I pushed you down
Accidentally I swear
Oh oh eaten by a bear
You were eaten by a bear
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day but teach a man to phish and he will steal your social security # so click here to verify your account.
“I gave that guys wife a pearl necklace”
-Oysters
My daughter wants a smart car for her 16th birthday. She thinks it will do her geometry homework.
I’m starting to think my wife is only having sex with me to improve her FitBit stats.
*me at Target*
“Hey baby, you want some of this?”
*offering to share my chocolate Twizzlers*
Her: *calls security*
~Flirting is so hard
A Mexican stand-off, but it’s 3 Canadians each trying to pay the bill and they all have to pee
People: Coronavirus is the worst thing that could have happened in 2020.
Murder hornets: Hold my stinger.
If you gain 4lbs in one weekend that just means you’re an overachiever.
I thought that my dog waking me up to poop in the middle of the night was exhausting until she started pooping to wake me up, which is WAY worse.
Alan Rickman lost in the woods, leaving a trail of perfectly pronounced words
I’ve shenanned before… and I’ll shenanigan
I read all men’s tweets in the voice of Homer Simpson. Especially the sex tweets.
[cheesecake for two at fancy restaurant]
Me: -bite-
Him: -bite-
Me: -bite-
Him -bite-
[cheesecake falls on its side]
Me: Jenga!
I just want to have the poker face of a toddler that tells you that they didn’t poop their pants.
When a couple I’m friends with splits up, I always choose sides with the one who won’t ask to sleep on my couch.
He told me I’m too competitive but I think he’s just jealous I won at that puzzle.
‘I like mouse but I couldn’t eat a whole one’
– Our sodding cat
Satan: welcome to hell. this is Gary. he’ll be your demon for today.
Demon Gary: hi!
Me: he doesn’t seem so bad.
Demon Gary: *tearing up* why would you say that?
Me: oh, no, I’m sorry, I didn’t–
Satan: jesus, no wonder you ended up here.
LUKE: daddy, what’s my name from?
ME: it’s from the bible
CHEWBACCA: and mine?
ME: umm [sweating] also the bible