I’ve shenanned before… and I’ll shenanigan
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I kept getting my shin badly grazed by the pedal of my bike when I was was a kid, that was one vicious cycle.
2020 was like “I know a place” … and took us to hell.
Pass gas, not judgment.
Imagine if Iron Man could do whatever an iron can. 🎶 Flattens shirts, with his heat. Gives your slacks a nifty pleat. 🎶
A fortune cookie told me I’d receive an important message soon.
The message in the bottle told me the fortune cookie was poisoned.
[doctor’s office]
ME: I’m here for my test results
[the vulture perched above his desk shuffles impatiently]
DR: I have some bad news…
[calls God on phone]
Hi, can you come get me?
When I was 30, I had a fling thing with a 22 year old. He subtweeted me on here and i didnt even have Twitter. My younger cousin showed me the tweet. 6 years later, and I’m finally mad about it.
Really wanted to be a therapist until I got a Twitter account and read some of you guys problems and I want nothing to do with that mess
I sent my wife a copy of a menu from a really fancy restaurant ahead of time….
….she’ll be so surprised when we pull up at this Applebee’s.
Me: You are not going to believe this…
Priest: Your confessions will always be belived, my child
Me: There is no toilet paper over here.
Until zoom life I had no idea how many people dig in their ear.
The strangest thing happened. A coworker who always says, “Living the dream” was mysteriously stabbed 37 times in the neck with my car keys.
ok i’m just gonna say it… it seems petty that money comes out of my account every *single* time i buy something. give me a break
Found a YouTube channel that’s just French women smoking cigarettes so this is my last tweet.
Love it when I see the sign:
“You must have been born before 1999 to buy tobacco products.”My oldest bra can smoke now.
[first day in a hair band]
Singer: you’re bald
Me: yes, I lied on my resume
so no-one told you life was gonna be this way *gunshot* *gunshot* *gunshot* *gunshot*
me: [whispers] “don’t tell my wife i made bacon in the toaster”
my wife: [getting out car] “what the hell happened?!”
all 6 firemen: “he made bacon in the toaster”
When I’m having a bad day nothing sets me off quite like trying to pull one wipe out of the container and 47 more coming with it
[blind date]
HER: i love classic rock
ME: (trying to impress) i’ve been to Stonehenge
[restaurant]
me: you mind if I go to the bathroom?
date: yeah sure
me: thanks, I prefer to eat in private
Bear of bad news: Hey, sport. You might wanna be sitting down. Ready? Oh god how do I put this? I’m gonna have to maul the shit out of you.
nobody, nobody, nobody likes the guy who’s suspiciously knowledgeable about age of consent laws
[traffic stop]
COP: where ya headed?
ME: on my way home
COP: *shining flashlight in my backseat*
ME: look at me when I’m speaking to you
Kids today are too obsessed with their phones to care about the “free candy” on my van.
*crosses off “candy” and writes “wi-fi”
—What are we?
—Women!
—What do we want?
— We don’t know!
—When do we want it?
— Now!
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
3: Mommy, I love you. You’re the best mommy in the world. I wish I had a mom just like you.
Me:
The doorbell rang this morning, and it took a few seconds to realize what that sound was.