The rest of the world should fear our military.
We have the most cutting edge technology 1954 had to offer.
![]()
You Might Also Like
Me: Hi. Is your refrigerator running?
Random person who answered the phone: Yes.
Me: ok. Where does it stand on immigration?
Grease (1978, musical)
A highschool girl wins happiness and the acceptance of her peers by changing who she is and taking up smoking.
NASA : we were wrong , there ARE 9 planets in the Solar System
PLUTO: I’m back, baby!
NASA: because we found a new one!
PLUTO: SON OF A
I don’t ALWAYS post filthy tweets, but when I do, it is right after I’m followed by someone with “my Lord and Savior” in their bio.
and this one
![]()
I’m using my husband’s phone today because mine is broken and he has his font so small I think only ants can read it.
Never bring your fists to a knife fight. Never bring a knife to a gun fight. And whatever you do, stay far, far away from a fight between two geese.
Looks like mommy just painted her fingernails… time to take a shit!
-my baby
Oh, hey guys how were the bars tonight? That’s cool. In case you were wondering all of the Harry Potter movies are still really good.
Soldier: The target entered a building
General: Find and detain him
Soldier: It’s… a candy cane factory
General: *slams fist* DAMN YOU WALDO
Earth: Goodnight Moon
Moon: …
Earth: I said ‘Goodnight Moon’
Moon: …
Earth: Look, I don’t choose which days they celebrate
Moon: Whatever
men invented arm wrestling so they could hold hands and look in each other’s eyes
Allowing your kids to cuss offers a great balance between
1. making profanity less cool for them
2. pissing your mother-in-law off
1) “Obamas spying on you.”2) “Eh. Cost of being free!”1) “Obama wants to give you healthcare.”2) “WHO THE HELL DOES HE THINK HE IS?”
When life hands you lemons be thankful God didn’t slip and hit the demons button
My day planner
1. Wake up
2. Eat
3. Wait to eat
4. Eat
5. Wait to eat
6. Eat
7. Wait to sleep
8. Sleep
I simply point out, might not a warm piece of buttery toast have the same restorative effect as the cigarette to the smoker? And yet when I ask for a Toast Break I am laughed at . . .
Ever feel like you have one foot in a canoe and the other on a banana peel?
Someone is selling a rot iron table on Craigslist ..wonder If they would trade for a dictionary
Me: I said you would learn a ton working with the public in this job. What would you say is the most important thing you’ve learned so far?
17: That the public is crazy.
My wife just opened a bottle of wine so my chances of getting laid just went from 0 to 750ml.
[crowd surfs up to lead singer] can u skip all the stuff from ur new album
I just got a headache from bending down but yeah, age is just a number.
*stops by new neighbor*
Welcome, I brought you a cake!
-Wow, thank you! You know, you didn’t have to do that!
Oh, ok.
*walks away with cake*
Me [greasing brownie pan with my scalp]: I’m just happy that this isolation hasn’t really changed me as a person, you know?
Them: Are you single?
Me, stuffing food in my face: Oh no. I’m at least a double. Probably a king sized
omg thanks for ending the meeting 4 minutes early and “giving me some time back” — now I can finally pursue my passions
I set a rat trap last night & this morning the cheese was gone & there was a picture of my kids in it, what does this mean
My bf bought a kazoo and in unrelated news he can’t find it for some reason..