Them: Are you single?
Me, stuffing food in my face: Oh no. I’m at least a double. Probably a king sized
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Whoever invented popcorn deserves the Medal of Honor for not panicking after the first 45 seconds.
The voices in my head have been quiet for a while. They probably broke something.
Kidnapper: Pay up or I’ll leak your nudes
Me: So what?
K: Then I’ll tweet your drafts
M: Ok don’t do anything crazy we can work this out
I hope I’m not the only one who hovers over someone when they use my favorite pen just so they know I’m serious about wanting it back.
I think between the two of them, Kim & Kanye had enough money for a box of condoms.
Not saying I’m special but kids these days never have any money behind their ears.
It’s taken 7 years but I’m beginning to see the correlation between my kid’s hyperactivity and his sugar intake.
Back in my day the only time we started panic buying is when the bartender yelled out “last orders” and rang that little bell……
The pen can’t be mightier than the sword if actions speak louder than words. Someone needs to make their damn mind up here!
professor x: what’s your super power
owl: terrible memory
professor x: that’s not usef- you can talk!?
owl: who
*puts on winter boots*
*trudges through newly fallen legos*
Instead of onlyfans I spend all my money on onlyfood
Whoever said “find joy in the small things” clearly didn’t know my ex.
American: Your forest fire smoke is disgusting. Keep it up there!
Canadian: Sorry, but have you tried building a wall about it?
Some day, you too, will meet someone you want to spend the rest of your days without
Missed connections: I was the guy in the Subaru listening to NPR; You were the river I briefly considered driving into.
My body is a temple, please leave pizza and tacos at the altar.
If I ever really want my kids’ attention I can just make a YouTube video of me “unboxing” whatever I need to say.
Mouse astronaut, six seconds after setting foot on the moon: I have been lied to
[after sex]
her: you were really loudme: *putting down my trombone* yep
Jesus: I have to die because of sin
God: Yes
Jesus: Which you created as punishment
God: Yes
Jesus: For eating an apple
God: Yes
Jesus: No
Didn’t think the neighbors would notice the new bush, but this note asking me to wear pants suggests otherwise
“are you sure these x-rays are safe?”
[doctor 12 feet away behind a lead wall] you’re fine
Am not being sponsored to say this but if you’re like me and enjoy wearing jean-shorts but dislike the feeling of cold on your lower legs, check out “jeans”. They’re like jean-shorts but longer.
#parenting
It’s important to get out of the house every once in a while to get excited about going home.
I’m putting on weight for a movie
*eats popcorn in cinema
I would rather have a 100 poisonous spiders dumped on my naked body than a second date.
Me: So that’s a no?
Told my sister I had to buy rice krispy treats cause I’m snack mom for my daughter’s game and she said why don’t you just make them and I said I’m sorry you have the wrong number and hung up on her.
I talk a lot of shit for someone whose immune system interprets my ear piercings as a threat.