Back in my day the only time we started panic buying is when the bartender yelled out “last orders” and rang that little bell……
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Eggplants do not taste as purple as they look
My husband keeps nagging me to get my oil changed, which is ridiculous because I swear I just did that three thousand months ago.
You’d think my hair would be a little more cooperative considering how many times I blow it per week.
My aesthetician asked me to stop calling it a “crisis at the border” when I make a bikini wax appointment
I don’t need lip fillers. I have two toddlers constantly head-butting me.
I was 14, my dad caught me drinking. ‘Dad, that’s the first time’
‘That’s a lie, no one ever gets caught the first time.’
So I robbed a bank
SATANIST #1: we need a lot of blood for this ritual
SATANIST #2: yeah but how can we carry it all
KOOL AID MAN: why is everybody staring at me
Every commercial for every product should have a scientist looking into a microscope. That gives me the confidence to buy
Go see American Sniper. Or go to your buddy’s house and watch him play Call of Duty for two hours
On vacation, I ask the concierge to stand outside the shower and ask me random questions so I can feel right at home.
boss: you’re fired for putting a curse on susan
me: ok
susan: [trapped in an oil painting for eternity] can you lift the curse?
me: sorry i don’t work here
I saw a tweet saying liberals should create their own Captain America. They did. In 1940.
When I share any information about my twenties with my kids, I preface it with “back when the dinosaurs were all still puppies,” and they just accept this.
If you’ve never said “I love you too” in a way that sounds a tad bit angry, then you must not have kids you are trying to put to bed.
*steals someone’s soul*
*steals someone’s mate**Creates a soulmate*
5: [bending his own finger backward] THIS HURTS & I DON’T KNOW HOW TO MAKE IT STOP!
Me: [sighs & closes his college savings account]
My house is cleaner than it’s ever been and given that no one is allowed to come over to see it you’ll just have to take my word for it
Take your kids to see Santa so they can learn how to sit on a strange man’s lap in return for gifts.
Guy: Which way is left?
Me: *points to the right*
Guy: What is a horn for?
Me: Jazz
Guy: Where does gasoline go?
Me: *points to my tummy*
Guy: Excellent *approves my state-issued driver’s license*
I never pray harder than when I’m trying on a new pair of skinny jeans.
Me: I don’t think this is going to work
Wife: I know, I’ve been feeling like that for a long time. We’ll be so much happier with other people
M: I was talking about switching the toilet paper so it rolls under
I baked cookies in an EZ Bake oven when I was eleven and now they’re ready.
Toddler: *crawling across the desert*
Kind stranger: *offers water*
Toddler: No, red cup!
there’s no rule that says you have to share your birthday cake, you can just blow out the candles and take that shit home with u
[date started at 9 pm]
[9:30 pm] Her: I love long awkward silences.
[10:20 pm] Me: Me too.
Stop it! 😂
GF: I’m moving out if you don’t stop pretending you work at a supermarket.
ME: Ok. Do you need any help with your packing?
How long do you think Samara from The Ring has been waiting for someone else to watch that videotape now?
Me: *Chants in Latin in a deep, demonic voice while levitating*
My mom: Just ignore him. He’s only doing it for attention. Classic middle child syndrome.
[Me in a horror movie]
*is not at the cabin because I have no friends*