Whoever has my voodoo doll can you give it a job
You Might Also Like
People aren’t pleased if you try to turn a regular funeral into a viking funeral. They’re all like “put down the lighter” and “who are you?”
Here’s a conspiracy theory, your parents conspired to create an idiot
interviewer: your resume says you like being read to
me: and then what happened
INTERVIEWER: what’s your greatest strength?
ME: shape shifting
INTERVIEWER: is that so?
INTERVIEWER: yes
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
Me: why don’t you ever do things the first time I ask?
5: because I’m 5
My plans: 2020:
me: *entering the ocean*
ocean: how about at least buying me dinner first?
When the lady at the hardware store pointed down and told me my caulk was hanging out, I nearly had a heart attack!
I was almost malled to death by a bear. He had me waiting outside of Bath & Body Works for like an hour.
Leaned over to give my dog a kiss and he lifted his paw to shake hands, I’ve been friendzoned by my dog
“Dad, is that a bear outside the tent?”
“No.”
“OK.”
“Hold still.”
“What’re you putting on me?”
“Sunscreen.”
“It smells like ketchup.”
“Shhh”
My kid says that I make the best brownies in the world, so I told her that some day she can make brownies as good as mine and now I’m praying that Duncan Hines doesn’t go out of business before then
toddler: Lets go get a cake
wife: Why?
toddler: It’s somebody’s birthday somewhere
me *grabbing my keys* Can’t argue with that
Me: I need a vacation by myself.
Me, alone on the beach for 5 minutes with my thoughts: not like that.
Your dating profile said you were a night owl…..eat this mouse.
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
[first day as a pilot]
This is your captain speaking, in the event of cabin failure, oxygen masks will drop from the ceiling and untangling them will annoy you before you die.
couldn’t resist
Ouija™ board by Milton Bradley – because if anyone can bridge the gap between the living and the dead, it’s the folks who brought you Hungry Hungry Hippos.
ME: Is this Babies R Us
CASHIER: Yes
ME: No babies work here
C: I know
ME: It should be called Babies Were US
C: …
ME: Get me your manager
This is your brain-
*holds out egg*This is your brain on drugs-
*puts egg on ground, spins it while shining lazers on it*
Me: A gentleman never kisses and tells
Wife: Who. Was. She
Neo is 57-years-old he’s definitely taking the blue pills.
Sex therapist: Try swapping positions tonight
Me: ok[Later]
Her: Wanna have sex?
Me: No thanks
Thanks, spell check, that’s what I meant: Edgar Allen Pie.
If dogs ever learn to talk I want everyone to keep in mind that mine is a big fat liar.
When a pig loses his leg, wouldn’t it be a hamputation?
Based on how comforting I find compression, my 50th birthday will be held in a trash compactor
FRIEND. My daughter just hates her job
ME: My dogter loves hers
F: You mean dau..
ME: *shows her a pic of a puppy in scrubs* She’s a dogtor
I bet the worst part abt being an organ harvester for the black market is having to fill the motel bathtub using that little bucket for ice.