Whoever has my voodoo doll can you give it a job
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i need a six-month vacation twice a year
IKEA violently attacking me for not having any friends
[Date]
Me: So what goes in the bowl first, milk or cereal?
Her: Trick question, I eat pizza for breakfast.
*We just start making out*
This did not end as expected.
[first day as chinese police officer]
me: guys…it happened again.
[police radio]: okay *sigh* push your fingers in gently toward each o…
My friend was complaining that when her husband gets dressed, he does sock, shoe, sock, shoe. What a weirdo! Everyone knows it’s sock, sock, shoe, shoe, pants.
I had a dream about you. You were stupid there, too.
You know that tingly little feeling you get when you like someone? That’s your common sense leaving your body.
What you call “Brunch” I call “Breakfast for Alcoholics.”
my immune system told me it’s a lover not a fighter
today i imagined a fleetwood mac cover band called meatwood flack and then made my brain apologize
Some creepy guy with a mustache is running on the treadmill next to me at the gym…never mind, it’s a mirror.
Lady Gaga: rah rah ah ah ah rom mah ro mah mah
Shaggy *wiping tears at Scooby’s funeral* beautiful
A fun thing about parenthood is that even when you get to close the bathroom door you’re never really alone
Don’t worry. Your secret is safe with me, I won’t say a word about your “wenital werpes” *winks*
A lot of people don’t know this but Hotel sheets aren’t tucked in tight. It’s actually the bed bugs playing a lil game of tug of war with you
If you say “I knew you were going to say that” enough.
You can start billing people for psychic readings.
saw girl I have crush on with her new fiance at Ikea but you know what they say, when God closes a Stǿrås Innjørdën he opens a Főnstǝrviviǵ
I was going to make myself a belt made out of watches but then I realized it would be a waist of time.
Whittling a shank in a meeting sends the message that it’s time to wrap things up.
Women out here dating guys with three felonies
but being a sagittarius is too much of a red flag.
[on the phone with wife]
Honey, who do you like better, Hulk Hogan or Jafar from Aladdin?
“Tell me why.”
[winks at tattoo artist] No reason.
It’s not really family vacation until everyone is crying because of sun poisoning, you’ve lost at least 3 bikini tops in the ocean, and your spouse is just staring off into nowhere regretting all decisions that led up to this point in life
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
The dead guy in my trunk?
Cop: Um, speeding, but my shift’s over, so proper burial and no more murders. Ok?
When I was a kid there were two sure ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents.
Victoria’s Secret supermodels aren’t as impressive if you add shopping bags
Escape rooms are a fun way to discover you’re the dumbest in your friend group
LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD: grandma what big eyes you have
WOLF: u really think I look like ur grandma? I should eat u just for that u dumb shit
All I’m saying is, China could have a much better relationship with the West if they shared their dragons with us but whatever be that way.
*Showing Pet Sematary to 6yo daughter
“Anyway, this is what happens to kids who don’t learn how to spell.”