What you call “Brunch” I call “Breakfast for Alcoholics.”
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Don’t believe everything you read on a Mayan stone carving
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Yeah
Cop: Oh ok nevermind
Why are the people with the most annoying laughs the ones that find everything hysterical?
Instead of a DING DONG sound, I wish my doorbell would explain to the person how much I don’t want to get off the couch.
The big book of baby names but for safe words
Flame has not adjusted back to house life yet. She stole a cinnamon roll from the kitchen and ate it.
Him: whatcha thinkin bout?
Me [already half way out the window]: our future.
Loads 5 frozen pizzas into the freezer.
Meal prep ✔️
Her: I’d love to be a kept woman.
Me: [trying to impress] I happen to have a basement I use for keeping women.
If you’re not following me and received this tweet, it’s because someone is smarter than you.
[Being murdered while eating a salad]
Please sir will you stab the spinach out of my teeth don’t let them find me like this
Always curious what makes people become sober. A guy told me turned sober after he woke up two hours away from his home in a strange home with two naked women. And I was like… I gotta drink more.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who can’t get the dinosaur on his shirt to eat its food
Don’t you hate when the whole bus is empty, but some guy sits right next to you? I know you do. That’s why I do it.
4-year-old: Why do my hands taste funny?
Me: I don’t know. Go wash them.
4: Don’t you want to taste them first?
Moms that name their daughters Stacy are the real narcissists.
Cancelling plans is okay. Having your friend over even though he insulted you is okay. Taking him to your wine cellar to show him your rare Amontadillo is okay. Sealing him in with bricks and entombing him alive is okay. Do what you need to do to cope.
Marriage Tip: If your husband is watching golf, show him you’re interested by repeatedly asking “why doesn’t our lawn ever look that nice?”
This is a terrible time for kidnappers.
[guy who’s about to invent politics]
*getting along with everyone* this just won’t do
Guy sitting next to me on the plane is also scrolling twitter. Trying to scope out his @ so I can DM to ask if I can put my head on his shoulder for a nap.
I accidentally got my blow up doll pregnant.
Related: I’ve got some balloons for sale.
PAROLE BOARD: And what would you do if released?
ME: Crimes.
PB: Excuse me?
ME: *leans into mic* RHYMES. I’M SUPER INTO POETRY NOW.
💀💀🤣 Why are we like this?
I have never cried at the movies as much as I did after Les Misérables when my wife said I couldn’t have fried chicken for the drive home.
I’m so lazy, if I got kidnapped I’d just think, “Well, this is where I live now.”
After just 1 hour of watching grandkids, my Fitbit called 911.
Ways to get me naked:
1. Be hot
2. Be funny
3. Be alcohol
4. Pretend to be my gynecologist
nasa employee: oh hey jeff you’re back early
jeff bezos: moon’s unionized
nasa employee: what?
jeff bezos: *loading a pistol and getting back on the rocket-ship* moon’s unionized