This is a terrible time for kidnappers.
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I swear I’m more than a mom. I’m a sweary mom.
Couldn’t of?! COULDN’T OF?? Oh really? You could not of? Interesting.
Me: I’ve always said I’d never get married again but there is one man that has changed my mind and that’s…
Him: Wow. *gets on one knee*
Me: …Mr. Bean
I could be in a store desperately looking for gauze to treat a knife wound and I’d still tell a clerk that approached me I was just browsing
I was almost malled to death by a bear. He had me waiting outside of Bath & Body Works for like an hour.
[showing a picture of a very healthy person to my doctor] I was thinking something a bit like this
#MakeAFilmUncomfortable The Godfather – With Benefits
You don’t marry the good parts of a person, you marry the entire person–their faults & failures included. The trick is to look beyond the negative & focus on the parts you love.
If you were my wife and you came home to that note on top of a broken vase would you still be mad?
My kids teeth are harder than my forehead and no I would not like to elaborate.
Always keep a dog eared book on your nightstand so that people think you know how to read.
“AUGHHGGUAUGGHGHGHGHGGGGH!!!!!!!!” – killer wail
If you name a baby Barbara, the baby turns 50 years old immediately.
The tooth fairy left an ominous note about coming back for the rest of my teeth.
Saw a pregnant woman smoking today.
You can guess what I yelled at her.
Apparently she wasn’t pregnant after all.
You can guess what she yelled at me.
Me: it hit me completely out of the grey
Friend: *narrows eyes* you mean blue?
Me [secretly a dog in a trenchcoat]: …yes
My husband kept me up last night playing Call of Duty on his phone, so this morning I changed his ringtone to someone farting, and then called him repeatedly when he went to the gym.
I was disappointed he didn’t mean the UK when he said he’d take me to pound town.
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r: what can I do for you?me: sorry, I’m looking for a landscape gardener
To the guy who turned the entire first floor of his house into a giant ball pit – I will find you, and I will marry you
Me: Don’t do anything special for my birthday.
*People do special things for my birthday*
Me: Oh thank God.
me: dating is hard, lot of weirdos out there
me on a date: you need three people to have a true staring contest with a hammerhead shark
Kids are home for two weeks while their school is being cleaned. I want to blame the virus but in reality, Corona is how I wound up with three kids in the first place.
My search history at 25:
-best countries to hike
-how much tequila is lethal
-lamborghinis on saleMy search history at 50:
-what does a stroke feel like
-how much ibuprofen is lethal
-most nutritious cat food
I like Tweets that are so good that when I send them to FB my old friends won’t talk to me on the phone for a week.
Homophobic parents are right to be worried about their children turning gay after lessons about LGBT awareness. I lived as a Tudor wench for 2 years following a history class.
me: I’m looking for my wife
cop: can you describe her
me: she’s strong, independent..
cop: but what does she look like?
me: that’s not important
cop: it kinda is
I hate spelling errors
You mix up two letters and your whole tweet is urined
5: Daddy, can I help?
Me: No, sorry. This is a tough job
5: [robot voice] I. am. a. ro-bot.
I. will. com-plete. the. work. of. 10. men.Me: [handing over tools]
[after 47 minutes of listening]
okay usually when someone says “what is wrong with me” it’s rhetorical but thanks for the feedback
Not many people know this but if you just start crying, the customer service rep will just do what you asked