At the dr’s office: “So, do you think this is a hemorrhoid?”
My therapist:
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My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
Me: for my first wish I want 20 dollars
Genie: done. and your second?
Me: infinite money
Genie: no can do
Me: *slips him my first wish* how about now
2020: the pandemic is coming you gotta stay inside
ME: oh no
2021: the pandemic is ending you gotta go outside
ME: OH NO
“I had the worst Cruise ever.” – Katie Holmes
[at interview]
“ok 1st question you’re on a submarine you find a dog, what do you call him”
umm
“…”
subwoofer?
“welcome to the navy seals”
Pro is good and con is bad, so they should rename the Constitution to Prostitutio-oh, never mind.
“When neighbors start talking, good things happen.” 🏡
🎵 These cheese curds are beyond compare
I can watch the hockey there
I wear my toque and back bacon is keen
Eat Tim Horton’s with no cares
Share my french fries with some bears
But I cannot compete with you
Poutine
Is anyone gonna tell them?
I use the incognito browser to search how to do the things I told my wife I know how to do
People who say “Don’t shit where you eat” have clearly never heard of Chipotle
her: i only date woke guys
me: [trying to impress] i have insomnia
Agent school must be stressful when you have to decide whether to go the “insurance” or “secret” route.
My car has the innate super power of knowing when I have any extra money and spontaneously breaking down.
No Karen, you can’t return your
eclipse glasses tomorrow and
claim they “didn’t fit.”
boeing: you can’t bring more than 3 ounces of shampoo on board because we care about your safety
me: ok and the doors will definitely stay on the plane?
boeing: …IF they fall off, it won’t be because of shampoo
I was trying to explain how tired I was cause I was up all night scoom drolling and now I don’t think I need to explain any further.
do you think when firefighters blow out their birthday candles it’s just like more work to them
“This is going to hurt me more than it hurts you” he said, without even realizing that he was holding the tazer backwards.
I still remember when my 10th grade English teacher told us we were going to have a special guest FOR WEEKS and then the special guest turned out to be him in a hat.
“Dude! You rock!”
– stated excitedly“… You stone! You worse than senseless thing!”
– held back 93 times out of 100
me: but jesus, I noticed that during the most troublesome times of my life there was only one set of footprints
jesus: (takes hit off vape) that was when you were being super sketch bro, like major vibe killer kind of behavior from you
“40 is the new 30!” My dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Banned from driving.
Why did they call them buddy cops and not palice?
Just took a DNA test and it turns out I’m 100% being arrested for shoplifting
20YR OLD ME: awww yeah! a new car!
30YR OLD ME: aww yeah! a new Xbox 360!
40YR OLD ME: aw yeah! a new shower curtain with a mildew-resistant liner!
hello secretary? i need you to go to that website where you can combine pokemon and combine mew and squirtle, print it out and bring it here
Just pulled my classic move of not replying to a text immediately to avoid looking desperate and the forgetting to ever reply to it, making me look unreliable instead.
people act like Marie Kondo held them at gunpoint and forced them to burn their books when her suggestions are all things like “maybe throwing out all those expired coupons in your drawer might make your life a little easier? if you love your expired coupons though enjoy them!!”
So Mother Theresa puts a dish towel on her head and she’s a “saint” but when I put a dish towel on MY head I’m “drunk in the kitchen again?”