Agent school must be stressful when you have to decide whether to go the “insurance” or “secret” route.
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Scar didn’t murder Mufasa. It’s a cat’s natural instinct to knock things off ledges
Kid: We never have anything good to eat!
Me: Go shake your car seat out.
Big brouhaha at the farmer’s market today when the fishstand guy set up next to the candle lady and no one could smell her candles and her boyfriend the homemade soap guy tried to intervene but ended up buying a fresh cut salmon.
I’m eating this banana sideways so my husband doesn’t get the wrong idea.
I accept CASH APOLOGIES ONLY. Thats why its called ACCOUNTABILITY…it goes into my ACCOUNT
My husband woke me up in the middle of the night, no, NOT for sex, but to ask me if I have any “dank memes”.
You don’t even wanna know how I beyond annoyed I am today.
*gets arrested
*mug shot posted
*waits for modeling contract
so tell me….is there a mama ghanoush?
Normal people driving by a construction site: wonder what they’re building…
Me: what a great place to bury a body!
girl at restaurant: “Are you Tony Hawk?” me: “Yes.” her: “Why?” I had no idea how to answer.
Alligators can live for up to 100 years.
So that increases the chance that one will indeed “see you later.”
“OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD!Damn these thin walls. Don’t know if my neighbors are having sex, praying or having a coronary.
With every wisdom tooth lost, your mouth gets a little stupider.
For the low, low price of $14.95, I’ll send you my instructional DVD, “How to Succeed as a Con Man.”
All I’m saying is you’ll never find cheese in a recipe for disaster.
[david attenborough voice] wolves, also known as nature’s best animal, have been cool for hundreds of thousands of years
“it’s the thought that counts” doesn’t include showering. You have to actually do that.
Brewmaster: Get out of there at once!
(Me, splashing giddily in vat): IT’S OK I’M WEARING UNDIES
“Who’re you?”
“I’m sorry, but Who’re isn’t actually an accepted word, you meant to sa-”
” I meant to say who’re, because you’re a who’re.”
What if the first tire-swing was left there as a warning to other tires?
son: I hate my name
me: but you’re named after your grandpappy
son: I still hate it
me: now look here Grandpappy Tanaka
7-year-old: What’s your favorite color?
Me: I don’t know.
7: I thought you went to college.
(When someone insults something you like.)
“Sources?? In triplicate! My honor demands nothing less!”
(When someone insults something you hate.)
“This RandomUser654788433 fellow certainly makes good points.”
Show your guy you love him by making him lasagna.
Write his name in the cheese.
Leave it on his porch.
His wife is home.
Write hers too.
With the rise in grocery prices my cashier now asks if I’m ready before giving me the total, the answer is always no but I appreciate his sensitivity
Sean Swordd: mighty
Sean Penn: mightier
How do I like eggs?
Ummm…in a cake!
Pretty upsetting that this long into the pandemic and some people are still refusing to take their work home with them… Like my children’s nanny