With the rise in grocery prices my cashier now asks if I’m ready before giving me the total, the answer is always no but I appreciate his sensitivity
You Might Also Like
My wife and I come from very different backgrounds. Her family is French and Irish, and mine is suffocating and unstable.
guard 1: choose your path wisely. one of us always lies and one of us alwa-
guard 2: AAAAAAHHH
guard 1: always screams
me: doesn’t that get annoying?
guard 1: *heavy sigh* no it’s actually super awesome
My flight was delayed 3 hours so I was doing what any human does when they’re bored. Minding my own business swiping through tinder & the guy behind me goes “ouch hard no for that one?” And I turn around ONLY TO SEE THE MAN I JUST SWIPED NO ON BEHIND ME HAHAHA
My car is saying it needs another oil change even though I literally got one in 2020. This is how the auto industry gets you.
During love scenes in a Wes Anderson movie, the sound effects guy rubs a baguette against corduroy.
I’m not sure what my wife thinks I do in the bathroom, but I appreciate all her support
me (hungover):
Why do I have a photo of me with a fire hydrant?wife:
Because last night you wanted a picture with R2D2.
Daddy, where do oranges come from?
Well son, when a red and a yellow really love each other…
I just passed the cutest kitten.
It was much easier than swallowing it.
Them: how does 9am sound?
Me: sounds like you’re dead to me
Somewhere, some Nigerian lawyer is wondering why you’re not sending him the personal information that he needs to give you your inheritance
Just finished reading the Declaration of Independence to my kids, and they went to live with their dad
*sees cute guy approaching*
Me: *whispers to self* Don’t be weird… don’t be weird…
Him: Hey.
Me: *wombat noises*
I hope you never have to experience the loss of a child. Lotta paperwork.
Joe: Okay so we sneak in one night around February, steal his shoes
Obama: Joe
Joe: And then dump legos all over the floor
So nice of the Oscars to give this tribute to Selma then not nominate it for anything
the enemy of my enemy is my enemy in law
Why do people draw sunglasses on the sun? It’s like, dude, he’s the sun. They make sunglasses because of him.
*DOG Talks
Dog (wearing headset):
So when I realized I didn’t *have* to fetch the ball, the power dynamic between me and my human shifted dramatically.
Nice try, theatre ad. But some of us don’t need to put our phones on silent, for we have prevented calls with our deplorable personalities.
When I say I’m tired, the “of people” is silent
In a parallel universe, there’s a grandma hiding in a wolf’s den, dressed up as a wolf waiting for its cub to return so she can eat it
Grill became self-aware just in time to realize where it’s headed
WIFE:
“At recess today, some kid named Billy told our daughter that he had butterflies in his stomach. Isn’t that adorable?”ME:
”That Miller kid? He’ll eat anything.”
Melania Trump says her husband is “not Hitler.” That’s true. Hitler had a mustache and adult-sized hands.
Friend: you know what would suck
Me: yes, being a claustrophobic turtle
Friend:
Me:
Friend: how do you even function
Elephant: wow I’m huge, what do I eat?
God: peanuts
Elephant: what?
God: *remembering Mr. Peanut breaking up with him over text*
Elephant:
God: all of them
imagine being Billy Zane in Titanic you think you’re going on a nice little romantic trip, 5 minutes later your gf is sleeping with someone else, the boat’s sinking and you’re racing about the place with a gun thinking why is this my life now
When my first baby was born, we didn’t have smart phones to look at while cradling a baby so she stays sleeps, so I had to balance a hard backed library book without dropping it on her head which is no easy feat I tell ya.
[enter password]
*Correct*
[your password is incorrect]
Me: ahh that’s right
*incorrect*
Login Successful