Friend: you know what would suck
Me: yes, being a claustrophobic turtle
Friend:
Me:
Friend: how do you even function
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time travel is only valuable to me if it helps me find where I put my keys
I’ve opened a gym called Resolutions. It has exercise equipment for the first 2 weeks of each year, then becomes a bar for the remaining 50.
Can I take your order?
Yeah, lemme get a McRib and a large Coke.
Sir, this is Wallgreens
OK, make it a bottle of Xanax, and some Pringles
*At the ouija board*
Me: Err… mom? Can’t we just…
Ouija board: A-N-D A-N-O-T-H-E-R T-H-I-N-G
She told me she’d do anything for 20 bucks. Guess who just got his Mustang washed.
Oops, I “accidentally” left my in-laws at the grocery store. Darn. I guess I’ll just have to get them Monday on the way back to the airport.
Age 28: forgets to wash face & moisturize, wakes up w/ smudged sexy eye make-up
Age 38: forgets to wash face & moisturize, wakes up a dragon
People say nothing is impossible but you would be amazed at how often I do nothing.
Kid: Can I eat candy for breakfast?
Me: No of course not! Now finish your donuts.
After speaking with the psychiatrist, I’ve learned that “hungry” is in fact NOT an emotion. So I’m in the market for a new psychiatrist.
Once I read this story abt a meth addict, she’d vacuum her whole house daily, even the walls, and that alone was enough to keep me off meth.
THE ANTICHRIST: Hey, dad. I’m hungry.
THE DEVIL: Hi, Hungry. I’m Beelzebub, the serpent in the Garden, Lucifer, son of the morning, the fallen angel, Baphomet, the prince of darkness, Mephistopheles, Satan, the truest evil, Mammon, the dragon of the bottomless pit, left hand of—
*Wins Lifetime ACheeseMent Award
Me: Oh my Gouda, I can’t Brie-lieve this…
cop: do you have a license to fish?
me: yes.
cop: ok you may go.
me: *drives away on my fish*
Some people make mountains out of mole hills, some people make a competition out of crazy
“Never let ‘em see you sweat” is my motto when I go to the gym
I love having dinner at my fancy mansion when my mysterious guest casually asks me a piercing question that indicates they know all about my clandestine, illicit activities
Impress them on your first date by showing up in a shirt with their face on it.
I’m like if Lady Godiva rode in naked on a ” My Little Pony” …
Traditional marriage was between a boy’s parents and a girl’s parents. And maybe some cattle.
“you’re your mother” — full name of cellist yo yo ma
Smallpox sounds so adorable
I don’t like changing clocks twice a year. It gets expensive buying new clocks.
My husband sending mixed signals like, insisting we reduce our online shopping, but also buying and installing a bigger mailbox that “Holds a lot more.”
Dear Starbucks:
The pumpkins called. Even they think it’s too early.
*Takes gift wrapping paper to the counter*
Her: Did you want to buy that?
Me: No, I just wanted to hold it for a while.
Horned lizards can squirt blood out of their eyes when threatened by predators, but my enemies have to be satisfied with my regular tears.
me: [breaks long awkward silence] “so what do you do for a living?”
taxi driver: [just looks at me]
My son told me tonight I was the best mom in the world. I couldn’t be happier.. even though he’s a cat, and actually didn’t say that. But I know he’s thinking it.
I’m just a girl standing here wishing I was as thin as my patience