People say nothing is impossible but you would be amazed at how often I do nothing.
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Cats don’t tell police where your drugs are.
My daughter just called it the “Heimlich Remover” and I’m choking with laughter.
Anyone interested in a 4 year old whose new hobby is wall art? Porch pickup only.
JOHN LENNON: Love is all you need
ME: This guy knows what it’s all about
JOHN LENNON: I am the egg man coo coo ca chu
ME: OK scratch that
Having to share a room with your spouse is absolute nonsense. Even kids get their own rooms…
Getting older is weird.
It’s like your brain remembers how much fun things were when you were younger, but your body is all like, Nope
*gets left on read*
my brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itme: “it was fun while it lasted”
Don’t be ridiculous, I would never use capitalization as a form of passive aggressive behavior karen.
News: Hillary won the debate!
My friends: Bernie won the debate!
Trump: I won the debate!
Huckabee: Asian people eat dogs!
Just took my 3 dogs to the vet, so the family will be feasting on ramen noodles, beans, and no name chips for the next few months. At least the dogs are taken care of.
We’ve replaced my roommate’s Sour Cream Pringles with a colony of wasps I’ve been antagonizing for a month. Let’s see if he notices.
My daughter is so excited to climb the rope in gym class today that I’m starting to doubt she’s mine.
In the new Star Wars film, Han Solo goes to Chewbacca’s home planet and discovers that all the other Wookies wear pants.
Not sure of the *exact* quality that denotes ‘blood-curdling’ in the context of a scream, but the sound that erupted from me earlier when the frog my cat ‘killed’ suddenly leaped mid-scoop, prrrrrrobably counts.
In other news, nothing beats fresh underwear!
If you drink 8 glasses of water a day and exercise for 30 minutes a day there’s pretty much no time for anything else in the day.
I wanna write a tweet that is so good that I can retire and just live off the retweets for the rest of my life.
I hear all these Trump supporters saying they support him because he speaks his mind. Well you know who else speaks his mind? My 4 year old.
What if all those coins you keep finding in your couch is rent money from the spiders living in your house?
The sex was going great until he questioned why I was making my storm trooper action figures kiss across his forehead.
you know you drank too much when you wake up and your liver is on the pillow next to you crying.
My toddler saw Santa for the 2nd time this season and when he asked her what she wanted for Christmas, she quit smiling, looked him dead in the eye, and told him, “I already told you”. And that was the moment I realized that I’m going to have to get so much better at lying.
What is wrong with me?!? Asking for a friend..
Me: I’d like to adopt that baby.
Clerk: Sir, that’s a family sized
platter of Super Nachos.
Honey I Shrunk the Kids IV:
They shrink everyone on earth on purpose
The planet will never run out of resources
Everyone is eaten by ants
“Despite my best efforts, my hot air balloon just isn’t going to fly.”
“Dude, that’s a bike with a blanket on it.”
“My best efforts.”
I hope Kim and Kanye surprise everyone and name this next kid something like Bill or Jen
So narcissistic, I crush on my alt.
Cutting Crew: I just died in your arms tonight. Must’ve been something you said…
Me: *closing book of spells* Oh shit! Oh shit! Oh shit!