Getting older is weird.
It’s like your brain remembers how much fun things were when you were younger, but your body is all like, Nope
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yes, we are a highly diverse company. susan in accounts is a goth
A haiku about getting the kids up for school:
Get up get up get
Up geT UP GET UP GET UP
Great there goes the bus
To the person crowding me in the checkout line, do you want a hug .. ’cause if you get any closer, I’m gonna assume you do and give you one.
“no please don’t”
[cop takes my flask and sniffs] is this milk?
🎶Well you can tell by the way I clumsy walk
I’m an awkward girl, don’t wanna talk
Mumble sounds, eyes look down
I’ve been trippin ’round since I was born
And it’s all right, it’s okay
Please just look the other way
🎶
Urge is strong to leave work early on summer Fridays to avoid traffic. Most do it & become the traffic they sought to avoid.
If someone sends you a link marked ‘Madonna Singing Naked in the Bathtub’ don’t open it.
It’s Madonna singing naked in a bathtub.
[hunting]
“In order to attract the stag, I perform the special call”
[clears throat, cups hands round mouth]
“COME OVER HERE, ANTLER JERK”
*rookie cop notices splatter on the wall*
Looks like a hotdog defended itself here and lost.
Me: Why does the neighbor always watch me while I’m gardening?
Her: He’s a paramedic.
“Did you get a haircut?”
“No, I dyed the tips of my hair invisible…”
Leonardo the Vinci was 33 when he painted the sixteen chapel and here I am, 38 and I’ve not painted any chapels at all.
[ interview ]
cable company: where do you see yourself in five years
me: you mean between 3 and 8 years from now?
cable company: when can you start
me: between monday and july
my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard / their like, is this organic? do u hav a vegan option? can u make it with froyo insted
*friend gets divorced Mon*
*friend goes on date Tues**I break up with boyfriend*
*15 years later I casually smile back at a stranger*
I gave my husband the entire update on Kate Middleton including all the conspiracy theories and he listened politely and when I was finished he said, who is Kate Middleton?
I don’t know why hair extensions are exclusive to women, I want to look like a centaur
*Facebook down*
Grandpa: *in the back alley* Yes, can I please get a gram of conspiracy theories
My boyfriend’s really happy we can meet up again now lockdown’s over
My husband not so much so
The older you get the less people you can actually tolerate.
I can tolerate about 5 people right now, 3 are my children and even that’s iffy
a cool magic trick woud be if a magiciam puts their hand in a hat & sombody wearin a hat in the audience sudenly feels a hand on their head
An attorney is a lot like a Dominatrix.
You don’t want to be seen with them in public, but they’re handy when you’re in cuffs.
My husband said the doctor told him I can suck out his kidney stone. After 3 days of trying, I think he lied to me.
My neighbor’s dog is so popular that every time he barks, the neighborhood dogs RT him.
This could have been an email.
— me, while attending a wedding ceremony
911: What’s your emer-
She said don’t get her anything for Valentine’s Day!
911: And you didn’t?
No!
911: Placing you in protective custody.
Wife: You’re not using the instructions to build the bookcase?
Husband: Nope, I’m doing it entirely shelf-taught, haha
Wife: *eyes fixate on hammer*
Went to my bosses funeral this weekend. I leaned over and whispered in his ear.
“who’s thinking outside the box now Gary.”
#InternationalWomensDay is just a holiday hallmark made up to sell more women
2022 Jesus turns water into gasoline.