“Psst.. here’s what we should’ve said”
*my 3am brain waking me to replay an argument from 7 years ago
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Everything was great until I opened my mouth.
– An autobiography
her: your costume is highly inappropriate
me: oh relax, it’s not like it’s a “sexy” hot dog suit haha
her: well, regardless it’s time for you to give the eulogy
The cat acts like I’m interfering as she plays with a toy but that’s my phone charger!
[marriage counseling]
She’s always getting mad at me
“There’s a shark living in our pool”
IT WAS SHARK WEEK AND HE WAS ON SALE, KAREN
Him: 🎶 In the jungle the mighty jungle the lion sleeps tonight. 🎶
Her: Please don’t sing to it when you are down there
Fellas, don’t feel like you can’t offer your wife cooking tips, even after she spends all day making a delicious home cooked meal. And it doesn’t hurt to throw in “That’s not how my mom used to do it”.
I bought 4 bottles of wine and I seriously underestimated the severity of this quarantine.
i don’t give a shit what you losers think i’m clapping when the plane lands
What do you get when you stick three kids and two adults with full time jobs in a house 24 hours a day for 6 months and then add in zoom school? A toddler who walks around all day shouting “Oh Dear God!”, apparently.
Unlike smoking, vaping doesn’t reduce your sex drive. It just reduces the sex drive of the people who see you vaping.
Friend: Let’s get together! What’s your calendar look like next week?
Me: Same picture of a dog on it till next month
If I were an orthopedic surgeon, I would totally set up shop at the end of a Home Depot aisle
There are two types of people: those who love terrible puns, and those who are no pun.
Get in loser grandma lost at bingo and has gone after the priest.
My kids have absolutely forbidden me from getting on Twitter.
So here I am!
The endings of Lost and Game of Thrones each cost me a television.
Saying “unwanted houseguests” is redundant. I just call them houseguests.
I learned two things today:
1) my mother-in-law is coming over for dinner
2) it takes me 1 hour 47 minutes to get home from work in idle
*trying to ask a girl on a date*
Me: hi, um [nervously wets lips] would you wanna go out sometime?
Her: was- was that a mop?
Museum Philanthropy: We stole all this shit, now you can look at it.
the man next to me at this airport bar just sent at least 30 cry laugh emojis to a person in a text while he sat stoically drinking a heineken
10 signs that he’s just not that into you
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10. He is a cat.
For today’s Florida story, I bring you Michael Marolla, who was just arrested in Collier County with a live alligator in the bed of his pickup, two firearms, and multiple syringes loaded with meth.
[movie casting]
ME: I’m here for the stuntman job
“Do you have any experience?”
ME: No, but I took a…
“Please don’t”
ME: …crash course
Parents *before their kids performance*: Here, snort these four lines of organic sugar
Wife: [eyes me suspiciously] have you been using my shampoo and conditioner again?
Me: [brushing my volumized, shiny, tangle-free, plumeria & jasmine smelling hair] no.
My boyfriend said he wanted me to wear my sexy undies when we went out!
Cop: just put your clothes back on, you’re scaring the people at poundland
National Ex Spouse Day fell in the middle of Serial Killer Week, coincidence?
When we got married, my wife had her last name legally changed to mine, and my name was apparently changed to “Is that what you’re wearing?”