The cat acts like I’m interfering as she plays with a toy but that’s my phone charger!
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every pillow ad now is just them hurling shit like bowling balls at the product and acting like it means something. “see how poorly our competitors deflect this Olympian’s shot put?” great point, i’ll keep your product in mind if i go completely insane
my daughter responded to my two paragraph text message with a thumbs up. Parenting books don’t explain how to deal with this level of disrespect
Couldn’t afford a butterfly knife, so I got a caterpillar one. Now, I wait.
Why stop at clocks? I set my stapler forward an hour too. Told my shoes it’s Tuesday. My car still thinks it’s 1987.
We could be like Romeo and Juliet. You go die and I’ll go to sleep.
Show me a woman in a Tweety Bird t-shirt and I’ll show you a woman who shoplifts in the grocery store.
[Thanksgiving 2020]
Me *crying*: I’m fine, just chopping onions
Him: that’s a carrot
Paralegal activity. #BoringHorrorMovies
PLOT TWIST:
No, I didn’t ask why she had a baby goat at work with her. *shrug* Seems like a personal question.
To hairstylist: [makes series of incomprehensible gestures around my head shape] so exactly that or I’ll cry
*Googles Yahoo*
Google: Wow. I’m right here
HR: Can you explain this??
Me: I thought it was CORNhub, with recipes on how to make delicious corn and corn related dishes
‘I can quit anytime I want’ I mutter to myself everyday on my way work.
I know blood in horror movies is just corn syrup, but it’s still terrifying because at this point, that’s basically all my blood is
If you don’t call ahead of time I won’t answer the door, but I don’t answer phones, so you see the dilemma.
[grocery store, frozen aisle]
Me: *inhales, stretches arms high*
OmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmClerk: ma’am are you doing yoga?
Me: oh no, I’m just trying to reach dinner peas
Son: What’s this spell? *waves finger wildly in the air*
Me: I’m not sure, bud.
Son: PAY ATTENTION! *aggressively waves finger wildly in the air*
Me: Ummmm, truck?
Son: Were you even looking? Try again. *pointedly waves finger wildly in the air*[repeat ad infinitum]
If Domino’s was smart, they’d randomly call me asking if they should send over a pizza because the answer would always be yes.
Haters gonna hate. And hater stabbers gonna hater stab.
Kids: We are making you a Christmas gift!
Me: Oh, that is so sweet-
K: *pull out paint*
Me: You really don’t-
K: *pull out glue*
Me: Really, guys, I don’t need-
K: *pull out glitter*
Me: Christmas is cancelled.
I want the free time of the guy who opts in for the after-call survey
Tried this new Playlist in the car, on the treadmill, at my desk, but it seems the best place for me to listen to old Greenday is 1992.
Operator: what’s your emergency
Me: my fridge fell on me
Operator: is anything broken
Me: some eggs maybe
[dragging a corpse to the shed]
NEIGHBOR: putting away the halloween decorations?
ME: decorations?
[After Big Jewel Heist]
“We did it! We got away! Everything went to plan”
ME(holding my grappling hook I didn’t get to use): Yea it was ok
A lady on NextDoor just asked for a pet psychic that could really blow her mind and honestly, stay gold NextDoor.
If they served grilled cheese sandwiches at communion, I’d go to church more often.
Dear God, make me a bird. So I can fly real high and then shit on people.
“Only God can judge me”
People who’ve never been to
Whole Foods.