*spelling bee*
“Your word is disaster.”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“That outfit you’re wearing looks like a natural disaster.”
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Professor: There’s no such thing as stupid questions
Me: *clears throat
Ran down the stairs without a bra on and my husband thought I was clapping. I was not. I was not clapping.
Hey babe, are you a voodoo doll? Because I feel like stabbing you.
Newlywed: We can overcome anything, cause we’re in love!
10 yrs later: If he leaves time on the microwave again I’m gonna set him on fire.
The invisible woman had sex with the wolfman and now they’re expecting a where-wolf.
Deer population is controlled by releasing wolves into an area. All problems should be solved that way. Too much pollution? Release wolves in factories. Dislike Congress? Wolves. Wanna lose weight? That’s right, wolves.
Me: I made GORP for our hike
Her: peanut m&ms and miniature marshmallows
Me: yeah, in handy single servings
Her: they’re gallon ziplock bags
Any sink has a garbage disposal if you push hard enough.
I don’t always look at my phone at a red light; but when I do, I look up to see a cop right beside me.
Who cares about the new GTA when you can sit down and enjoy the new testament
Pulling out the ouija board at the office and asking Craig from accounting if I can hit up his widow
Failed Pickup Lines:
“Baby, my memory may be selective but I’m not.”
Girl, are you Chernobyl? Because you warm me to the core and leave me glowing. Also I think you’ve killed some people.
[leaving Hooters]
Wife: you thought there’d be owls
Me: *wiping away one tear* of course not don’t be ridiculous
Never trust a fortune teller buying more than 1 lottery ticket.
Hey girl are you soy sauce because you always “no MSG” me back
Me: your dress is too revealing
Wife: wear your own clothes then
Wordle is trying to tell me something
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YOU ASKED IF YOU COULD PET HER, NOT IF SHE BITES, MEGAN.
*sips iced coffee*
man I’ve been feeling so anxious lately
*has another iced coffee*
I wonder why I had that panic attack the other night
*chugs redbull*
my social anxiety has been a waking nightmare
*takes a bath in cold brew and espresso with a 5 hour energy face mask*
i don’t want to rock and roll all night. i want to sleep all night without having to get up and pee 39 times
Me: “You do NOT need any chips. Please leave them alone.”
6y/o, running off with bag of chips: “Yay, it says it’s Party Size!”
*trips, dumps half of the chips on the floor*
8y/o: “I think it’s more of a Family Size bag now?”
It’s my patriotic duty to eat bbq and wave sparklers this weekend. Don’t wreck it with words like “calorie count” and “hair on fire”.
Pandemic’s been going on so long quarantine is now quaranadult
Can’t. Growing Yosemite Sam moustache.
Spice up your meltdown through interpretive dance.
When I lose my keys people tell me to retrace my steps but they really should just say go check in the refrigerator.
Me: Do you ever have one of those days where you just want to stay in the shower?
All other inmates (in unison): No.
*walks into childhood home*
Him: what’s wrong?
Me: it all looks so different. I distinctly remember the floor being lava.