Spice up your meltdown through interpretive dance.
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I didn’t watch the video you sent I just waited 3 minutes then wrote hahaha
Me: *takes her shirt off & sees a padded bra* whoa
Her: I’m so sorry, are you upset?
M: *pulls a salami out of my shorts* let’s call it even
There’s a woman at breakfast with a mink purse. I guess it’s important to skin an animal alive to keep your credit cards warm… Idiot
There’s nothing sadder then the look on my dogs face after he hears something hit the floor and discovers it’s only lettuce 🙁
Fighting fire with fire but in the marital bed we’re just fighting wind with wind
I’m “had to actually call a girl on the home phone to ask her out while hoping my mom didn’t pick up and start dialing” years old.
My son hasn’t clocked that his little sister has a birthday almost exactly 9 months after his. He was a complete bellend at his 6th birthday party so me and his mum got rotten that night and ended up making our lives even harder.
Friend- Are you tired?
Me- Nope, just ugly.
interviewer: please, sit down
me: thank you
interviewer: not on my lap
*accidentally bites into a wax fruit*
*keeps eating to save face*
me: omg did you just steal that from the kitchenware department? you could’ve got caught!
him: what can I say, I’m a whisk taker
The journey of 1000 miles begins with a single step. They never tell you it’s downhill and you’ll be wearing slippers when it happens.
Once upon a time, a man poured himself a glass of red wine and sat down on his wife’s white couch that no one was allowed to eat or drink on…
there are some wounds only potatoes can heal
My knight in shining armor comes in liquid form.
[Michael Cera being repeatedly asked by a librarian to speak up]
me: can i withdraw a million dollars
banker: from which account
me: like whoever has the most
wait do british people think smashing pumpkins means really good pumpkins?
I’ve lost my voice, and I’ve gotta say, everyone at work seems pretty damn happy about it
Nurse: Know your blood type?
Me: Type-O
N: That’s good!
M: Not really. Makes me spell everything wrong. ZING!
N: Get out
M: Fair enough
“Did you see that new drama last night?”
“No?”
“Oh you’d love it!”
“What’s it called?”
“I can’t remember”
“What channel’s it on?”
“It was either BBC or ITV, I think”
“Who’s in it?”
“That chap who was in the other thing, he’s been in loads of things”
“Right, I’ll check it out”
I mean yeah I’m middle class but not “stop stealing ketchup packets” middle class
High school prepares you for real life! For example, show choir taught me how to put on eyeliner and lip liner in a car on the freeway
Apparently the safe word has changed to…
NOT THERE IDIOT!!! Followed by a swift elbow to the eye….
Cop: Are you drunk?
Me: um if I was drunk, could I do this?
*stands on one foot*
Cop: ok first of all, ow
I assert dominance over millennials by responding to their texts with phone calls.
America. Where assault weapons will protect your family, but two dudes getting married will destroy your family.
Beaver 1: our house has been flooded…
Beaver 2: dam
Pretty excited about making a huge Thanksgiving feast so my daughter can eat a roll.
Leo: Your natural selfishness will play to your advantage today when you spot a donut in the hands of a child you could easily overpower.