There’s a woman at breakfast with a mink purse. I guess it’s important to skin an animal alive to keep your credit cards warm… Idiot
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I put the tomatos and the ketchup right next to each other in my refrigerator just so all the food knows I have no mercy
I love when British people call it a “rubbish bin,” like my kitchen trash got a monocle
My wife caught me looking at a seagull at the beach so now we’re in this big fight.
I wear a mask because I like to leave something to the imagination.
I’ve been using special shampoo and I’ve noticed my hair is stronger, it benched 240lbs the other day
Next time someone leaves an empty shampoo bottle in the shower, I’m filling it with pancake syrup.
Attention: All employees will be required to bring their own toilet paper until further notice.
-Management
Me: *gets up to go pee*
My dog: *snaps awake from a dead sleep* FOLLOW YOU INTO THE BATHROOM & KEEP WATCH, GOT IT!
We like knowing who the fastest person on earth is.
We don’t know why, or how this information will be useful, but we like to know it all the same.
Since Hemsworth didn’t go for Thanos’s head, Avengers: Infinity War is a Chris miss movie.
1: How old is James Earl Jones?
2: She’s 30
1: OMG WHAT?
as a millennial dad I’ve never not been Too Online so I know the best combination of buzzwords to maximize being annoying to my tween; she got a meatball sub for lunch and I said “oh she in her marinara era for real” and the eye roll could have powered our house for a year
Cat: Human, congratulations, I’ve chosen your face to sleep upon tonight. If at some point you cannot breathe, do not wake me.
Find a penny
Pick it up
& all the day
You’ll have significantly raised chances of contracting a bacterial infection …
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is mississippi
pirate: m-i-s-s-i-s-s-i-p-p
judge: im sorry you’re missing an i
pirate: *sobbing* i know, it happened in a sword fight.
me: sorry but i just can’t sugarcoat this
my boss at Kellogg:’s: you’re fired
I’m always behind the person at McDonald’s who acts like they’ve never seen the menu in their life
Inventor of beer: This will change the world.
Inventor of beer, after having kids: [invents vodka]
“OnlyPams”: a place for hot pics of women who dump their fiancé’s for quirky co-workers.
Dear Kelloggs,
Cereal that makes them go back to sleep.
Sincerely,
Tired parents
[interrupts gf talking about her dream wedding]
lol a horse drawn carriage?
“what’s funny about that?”
a horse can’t hold a pencil karen
I’m convinced that people are now just getting married and having babies to have something to post on FB
INTERVIEWER: under skills you’ve listed “gets jokes” ME: haha, very good. good one sir, haha
People need to realize that being an alpha male has nothing to do with power and dominance and has everything to do with how many things you can carry in a store without a basket.
My favorite thing about babies is that none of them are mine.
Never go to a combination dentist / proctologist…..
but if you do, get the dental work first.
My kids are celebrating National Siblings Day just like I knew they would: screaming & fighting.
im not pinning my selfies. forage for me like a little rat
It’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is a portal to another dimension.
Finally!