as a millennial dad I’ve never not been Too Online so I know the best combination of buzzwords to maximize being annoying to my tween; she got a meatball sub for lunch and I said “oh she in her marinara era for real” and the eye roll could have powered our house for a year
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Top Gun is a Christmas movie.
There is no tree and no Santa, but they do kill a goose
Son: Mom, I’m having a problem at school.
Me: Oh no, buddy, what’s wrong? Do you need me to show you the Karate Kid again?Parenting is easy.
[tries to walk into my How to Use a Revolving Door class and ends up outside again] what the heck
Safari is a fancy word for voluntarily putting yourself at the bottom of the food chain
8am: i’m so tired
10am: i’m so tired
1pm: i’m so tired
4pm: i’m so tired
8pm: i’m so tired
11pm: i’m so tired
2am: WHAT HAVEN’T I WATCHED ON NETFLIX, WHAT CAN I BUY ON AMAZON DOT COM, I AM GOING TO CHECK LINKEDIN FOR THE FIRST TIME EVER
I’m not gonna wear uggs or crocs or any other shoe that sounds like a noise my body makes involuntarily.
FITNESS TIP: Stretching is important. Stretch out flat on your back. Stretch your eyelids over your eyes. Stretch a blanket over your body.
Every recipe should include ingredients, instructions, and which local restaurant delivers last minute
Pancake in Spanish is panqueque, which translates back into English as *does raise the roof motion* bread whaaaat whaaaat
I want my funeral to be invitation only. There are people I don’t want to be around even if I’m dead.
One time I was out with a guy and he needed new jeans so he opened up maps and just typed in “pants”
[my first cutaway on The Bachelorette] I can eat more roses than any of these guys
I had to cut my own toenails. This pandemic is bullshit.
I’ll never understand why we aren’t buried in our final resting place wearing pajamas.
me: a weirdo broke into my house
cop: are you positive it was a weirdo
me: they stole all my jeff goldblum spoken word poetry albums so you tell me
[2 detectives are at a murder scene]
“my god Wilkins. Are you thinking what im thinking?”
…
“a lasagne driving a car?”
“Exactly”
wife: I know it’s hard, but crying and throwing things isn’t going to make it easier
son: What’s wrong with dad?
wife: He’s trying to figure out your math homework
Some days you’re just really stupid. 365 to be exact.
Decided not to waste $300 on obedience training after watching my dog bark at a shovel on the patio for 10 minutes.
whenever i feel like i hate my job i remind myself that i could be a food taster for the emperor.
Mark Ruffalo is the name you could most likely teach a dog to say.
First day of school
Kid 1: I want my mumma *waaah waaah*Kid 2: I wanaa go home *waaaah waaah*
My kid: Teacher do you poop?
Level of singleness: yelling, “pizza’s here!” So the delivery man doesn’t think all the pizza is just for me…
Lots of people ask me why I’m still single and I don’t tell them anything, I just hang around them for a few minutes
I dunno Discovery Channel, if you think crabs are the deadliest thing you can catch, you’ve obviously never slept with my sister Ashley.
my roofing company has gone bankrupt. I kept saying “this one’s on the house” every time I finished a roof, how could i be so stupid
*watching The Revenant*
*rewind*
*play*
*rewind*
*play*
*rewind*
*play*Him: What are you doing?
Me: Taking notes for when I fight a bear.
*Writes “For a good time call” on random gas station bathroom wall
*adds work phone number
*Gets excited about work today
Suddenly being asked for your thoughts in a meeting when you’ve spent the last 15 minutes thinking about which sandwich to have for lunch.
does anyone want to marry me before this website dies, feels like my best shot x