Technically, it’s not road rage once you pull into their living room.
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Interviewer: Your resume only has “Mad” under “Skills”
Me: Yeah boyee
Interviewer: *tears up* You’re just what we need. Welcome to Subway.
Drank some paint and have now added “interior decorator” to my CV.
A “Purge” comedy where two pals accidentally kill someone a week before the purge and try to fake the person’s life until the murder would be legal.
Why’s this 66 year old fridge better than the one I got now
If you watch Jeopardy backwards it’s about 3 idiots who pay a Canadian to answer a bunch of hidden questions.
Her: You have selective hearing. You never hear criticism and only hear things that make you look good.
Me: Thanks, you look good too.
Me: You’re such a good boy.
Dog: *tail wagging* Please leave the room so I can eat the couch.
My favorite type of men is ramen.
The older you get, the more you realise your chances of being cast as a vampire in a Twilight reboot are dwindling.
[accidentally brings blow dryer instead of gun to bank robbery]
teller: WHAT
me: I SAID GIVE ME ALL THE MONEY
teller: WHAT
me: THE MONEY
teller: GOD IT’S HOT IN HERE
What’s the best treatment for a persistent cough? Honey? Hot tea? That cough medicine that knocks you out cold for 14 hours? New pair of shoes? Three week vacation? I am willing to try anything, especially that last one
Don’t you dare flirt with me.
Yet.
Okay now.
I used to think it would be cool to be able to read other people’s minds.
Then I joined Twitter and got over that real quick.
me: [waiting in line at the bank]
other bank robber: “keith just go to the front”
Told my husband I was thinking about getting a tattoo and asked him if he had any suggestions. He just stared at me and said, “I don’t even know you anymore.”
What a stupid idea for a tattoo.
I left this letter from ‘Management’ on the doors of an apartment complex
My toddler pushed one of their animal toys in my face and said “RROOOOOAAARRR!!!”
It was a penguin.
writer: ok so a guy and girl named jack and jill
editor: ugh 2 lame white kid names. fine, go on
writer: well, they go up a hill
editor: i’m already bored
writer: to fetch a pail of water
editor: kill me
writer: no trust me it gets better
Cashier: your total comes to $59
Guy who forgets which numbers are funny: heheh nice
imagine being born on january 1st, you gotta wait a whole year just for it to be your birthday lol
I PowerWashed the scale this morning because it kept calling me dirty names, like fat.
Poor Charles. Imagine being 73 years old and getting your first job.
Stop undressing me with your eyes!!
Use your teeth.
Please help my husband and I decide on dinner. We’ve narrowed it down to “It doesn’t matter” and “It’s your turn to choose”.
The 11th commandment was, “Talk shit, get hit” but God totally didn’t have enough room on those stone things, so, like, yeah.
ME: I have a few openings today and can probably squeeze you in
PROCTOLOGIST BOSS: haha nice
ME: what
PROCTOLOGIST BOSS: ugh nothing
I’m not buying a coffee table until I finish walking around the furniture store barefoot kicking legs to see which hurts the least.
I’m having one of those days where nothing seems to be going write.
me: [unlocking door] id better warn you, im a bit of a hoarder
her: lol like what
me: well, most of its grandmas
her: [struggling to wade through hundreds of old women] i see