Stop undressing me with your eyes!!
Use your teeth.
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“Why you watching this shit?”
nintendo: so you hate doing chores, right
me: totally
nintendo: and you hate working a job
me: so much
nintendo: what if you did all that while hopelessly in debt to a capitalist raccoon?
me: will it be cute
nintendo: so cute
me: then i will do it for 20,000 hours
I bet dogs have a really hard time playing Twister
Left paw: grey
Other left paw: darker grey, but not the darkest grey. Sort of in between
At least men & women can agree on one thing: it feels AMAZING to take a bra off
I’ve waited and prepared my whole life for an end of the world scenario
[gets killed and eaten in the first 10 minutes]
Is it normal for a cat to get smarter? When Max was a kitten he was really dumb but now he reads at an 8th grade level
Took my puppy to the vet today and they distracted him with a cozy bed, cookies, and cheese so my gynecologist needs to up their game.
No one will even notice your holiday weight gain if you start carrying pie everywhere you go.
Um, my eyes are up here.
-giraffes
Her: It would really mean a lot to my mother if you came
Me *pulling out*: I know she wants grandkids but we’re not ready
INTERVIEWER: under Strengths you’ve written ‘dishonesty’…?
ME: No I haven’t
When a comma gets too high it’s an apostrophe
Sorry for levitating at the end of your bed all night, I just think you’re really cute
I try not to worry about things outside of my control, or things that are the direct result of my deliberate choices.
My friend has six kids and not once have they sang about going to bed. What in the VonTrapp is going on there?
Bee: I got a stinger bro!
Dung beetle: Nice! [enters gods office] Sorry I’m late. Whats my special power?
God: [clearly annoyed] Eating shit
BELLE: *Trying to be polite* So, why do they call you Beast?
BEAST: *Legitimately surprised and hurt* People call me Beast?
ME *traps wasp under a cup*
MAGICIAN GHOST WHO HAUNTS ME: *appears & sets down 2 more cups*
ME: no
MAGICIAN GHOST: *starts to shuffle them*
I did a tarot card tweet once and it bombed. Guess I should’ve seen that coming.
me: it’s okay in my book
5: what book? can I see the book?
me: it’s hypothetical
5: what’s hypothetical mean?
me: well, um, hold on, there’s gotta be a book around here somewhere…
That’s the last time I go out drinking with you Kevin!
Decided to go to the public pool since my kids wouldn’t stop nagging me all summer about going and it wasn’t actually bad. I just wish I took the kids.
There’s a girl that I hate in my office that’s white but looks like ‘Precious’. I’ve been calling her “Pressure” & blaming my farts on her.
That moment when your 5 year old asks you if your 1 year old can go into the washing machine, and you really hope he isn’t already in there.
When someone asks me for directions, I always use the metric system just to mess with them.
“Drive 4 liters that way…”
Satan giving a tour of hell: “Over there we have people who make that sound when they chew gum and idiots who use hashtags on Facebook.”
Things I hate:
1. Hatred
2. Irony
3. Lists
The best part about Facebook is never having to wonder what your acquaintance’s baby is doing all day everyday day.
I’d enjoy therapy a lot more if it included cocktails and a light snack.
Date: what do iguanas eat?
Me: no idea, why?
Date: you’ve got 5 of them
Me: 2, those 3 are dead. I told you, I’ve no idea what they eat