“Why you watching this shit?”
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I would love to ker-sploosh this.
Crush calls.
Me: *Googles: how to lose 50lbs overnight*
BOSS: You’re late again today
ME {still using the Mayan calendar}: We’re lucky to even be here you know
To avoid small talk with neighbors I’ve taken to checking the mail in the middle of the night like some kinda raccoon with bills.
I’m not stressed
If George W. Bush was the president of France today, he would declare war on Finland.
Lmfao
My Halloween costume this year is a red cape and a witches broom – I’m gonna be little red riding wood.
My son keeps texting me for tax advice. He’s known for 24 yrs that I have a THEATRE DEGREE. I only act like I file my taxes.
Since they won’t vote anyway, Obama should make the GOP look bad by nominating a bald eagle holding a picture of Jesus to the Supreme Court.
I just wanna be rich enough to not have to run onstage after concerts to get my bra back
Just like my overly critical mother, every time I see children I want to belittle again.
okay Mary that guy just smiled at you play it cool oh my god he’s coming over here play it cool play it cool HI THERE I’M WEARING TWO BRAS
[high school reunion]
Amanda: wow, you haven’t changed a bit
me: [covered in acne and wearing faded Pokemon shirt]: yeah I know
the 1 thing i ask in life is for someone to use my bathroom and come out and say “wow that is the cleanest toliet I’ve ever seen”
My wife and I role play “The Fast and the Furious” in bed. Me and her, respectively.
Boss: For your first assignment I need 500 words about the healthcare debate by Friday
Me: *lied about going to journalism school* Oh wow ok umm
Bad
Unhealthy
Debateful
Shouty
Sadfaceemoji
Scary
Awkward
Hashtagnotgoals
Angr-
I assume the #1 reason people change their identity is b/c they answered “You too” when the barista said “Enjoy your bagel.”
Wish the trash would take me out for once.
*on my deathbed*
*groggy, dazed, & delirious*
Me: I wonder if my TC ever really loved me?
Wife: Honey, what’s a TC?
Me: *pulls plug*
[Boss stands at my desk] Can I see you in my office?
[I stare curiously] You can see me here, right?
If you’re feeling too good about yourself, go ask a 5 yr old to guess your age. That should even things out.
Walk in the club wearing my transition lenses like “What up who’s here gimme about 30 seconds and then we can get this party started ladies”
Be Careful Driving
#BostonBlizzard2015
I’m like Jason Bourne, only I’m not looking for exits in each room.. I’m looking for outlets & phone chargers.
John: There are places…
Paul: I remember
George: All my life, though…
Ringo: How can antibiotics and pro-biotics both be good for you
My kids have pulled out the NERF guns. What could possibly go wrong?
Rather alarming headline…
Facebook needs an “I’ve already seen this on Twitter” button.
Dating as an adult is hard because even when you do meet somebody you like there are very few opportunities to engineer a situation so that you’re cast opposite one another in a school play.