I assume the #1 reason people change their identity is b/c they answered “You too” when the barista said “Enjoy your bagel.”

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Star Wars Episode 7? What’s next, Star Wars Episode 8???


*sees burglar
*throws flashlight at him
*throws another
*throws another
*throws another
Burglar: WTF


thesaurus had the greatest vocabulary of all the dinosaurs


Dear dinosaur naming people,
Parasaurolophus and Elasmosaurus could’ve been named Frank and Joe.
The parents of small children


[gets exhausted after having sex for five minutes] “Go on without me”


If I had a time machine I’d take 17 dollars to 1901 and buy several luxurious homes. Related: does anyone have a time machine and 17 dollars


Her: You’re so skeptical of everything.
Me: I can’t believe you just said that.


Hey big accounts –

What’s it like to tweet “My cat sneezed”
and get 500 RT in the first minute ?

My cat would be dead before I got 50