@SCbchbum

I assume the #1 reason people change their identity is b/c they answered “You too” when the barista said “Enjoy your bagel.”

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@bug_deal

Star Wars Episode 7? What’s next, Star Wars Episode 8???

@GrantTanaka

*sees burglar
*throws flashlight at him
*misses
*throws another
*misses
*throws another
*misses
*throws another
Burglar: WTF
Me: COSTCO

@mugkip

thesaurus had the greatest vocabulary of all the dinosaurs

@thecourtrundell

Dear dinosaur naming people,
Parasaurolophus and Elasmosaurus could’ve been named Frank and Joe.
Sincerely,
The parents of small children

@Dawn_M_

[gets exhausted after having sex for five minutes] “Go on without me”

@ristolable

If I had a time machine I’d take 17 dollars to 1901 and buy several luxurious homes. Related: does anyone have a time machine and 17 dollars

@clichedout

Her: You’re so skeptical of everything.
Me: I can’t believe you just said that.

@SteveKoehler22

Hey big accounts –

What’s it like to tweet “My cat sneezed”
and get 500 RT in the first minute ?

My cat would be dead before I got 50