Star Wars Episode 7? What’s next, Star Wars Episode 8???
I assume the #1 reason people change their identity is b/c they answered “You too” when the barista said “Enjoy your bagel.”
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*throws flashlight at him
thesaurus had the greatest vocabulary of all the dinosaurs
Dear dinosaur naming people,
Parasaurolophus and Elasmosaurus could’ve been named Frank and Joe.
The parents of small children
Meanwhile, at the White House… #matwh
[gets exhausted after having sex for five minutes] “Go on without me”
If I had a time machine I’d take 17 dollars to 1901 and buy several luxurious homes. Related: does anyone have a time machine and 17 dollars
Her: You’re so skeptical of everything.
Me: I can’t believe you just said that.
Hey big accounts –
What’s it like to tweet “My cat sneezed”
and get 500 RT in the first minute ?
My cat would be dead before I got 50