@bug_deal Star Wars Episode 7? What’s next, Star Wars Episode 8???
@SCbchbum I assume the #1 reason people change their identity is b/c they answered “You too” when the barista said “Enjoy your bagel.”
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@bug_deal 
@GrantTanaka *sees burglar
*throws flashlight at him
*misses
*throws another
*misses
*throws another
*misses
*throws another
Burglar: WTF
Me: COSTCO
@mugkip thesaurus had the greatest vocabulary of all the dinosaurs
@thecourtrundell Dear dinosaur naming people,
Parasaurolophus and Elasmosaurus could’ve been named Frank and Joe.
Sincerely,
The parents of small children
@funnyordie Meanwhile, at the White House… #matwh
@Dawn_M_ [gets exhausted after having sex for five minutes] “Go on without me”
@batsVsupes 
@ristolable If I had a time machine I’d take 17 dollars to 1901 and buy several luxurious homes. Related: does anyone have a time machine and 17 dollars
@clichedout Her: You’re so skeptical of everything.
Me: I can’t believe you just said that.
@SteveKoehler22 Hey big accounts –
What’s it like to tweet “My cat sneezed”
and get 500 RT in the first minute ?My cat would be dead before I got 50