I assume the #1 reason people change their identity is b/c they answered “You too” when the barista said “Enjoy your bagel.”
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You act like no one at work has ever asked you to apply ointment to a bunion before.
Not to brag, but a top modeling agency just offered me a job as a “before” model.
synchronized noseblowing
I’ve been attacked by a +2 Petite Pike of Pernicious Pokiness, but otherwise my dentist is very nice.
The average Hollywood producer green-lights 8 Spiderman reboots in his sleep
Fun Fact: If you hear small kids running around laughing hysterically, within 2 min. at least one will be on the floor crying hysterically.
Charcuterie is french for “I touched every single piece of this food, enjoy”.
Today I learned that you never bring a ‘I did the dishes’ to a ‘you never pick things up’ fight
My boss is going to fire the employee with the worst posture.
I have a hunch,
it might be me.
scientist: the production of cereals l is destroying the seas. Soon there will be no seas left
aptain runch: why do I always get blamed?
sientist: ause it’s your fault
Why do zombies all have such shitty clothes?! It’s like you JUST died, how did you mess up your shirt that bad
[hands mom flowers on Mother’s day]
thanks for a life of sacrifice, these cost me twenty bucks
(mcdonalds drive thru employee hands me bag) wow that was fast. you must’ve made this before
nfts were less about the money and more about the friends you scammed along the way.
[date]
Me, struggling to pronounce things on the menu: I’ll just have the chicken nouj-
Date: nuggets
Are you happily married or did your husband “jokingly” make a beeping sound when you took 3 steps backwards?
Nobody has ever partied as hard as skeletons in a cemetery in a 1930s cartoon. Using their heads as bongos. Doing cartwheels.. Letting one skelly use a broom to sweep them up into a big bone pile. The Euphoria kids could never
Husband: Quick. What’s this song?
Me: Awful.
I gave up watching X-Files after realizing Mulder was NOT actually his own alien-abducted sister who was returned as a boy and was suppressing the memory.
Farmer: Netflix and till
Moonshiner: Netflix and still
Estate planner: Netflix and will
Dentist: Netflix and drill
Attorney: Netflix and bill
Mountaineer: Netflix and hill
Doctor: Netflix and ill
Pharmacist: Netflix and pill
Jack: Netflix and Jill
I don’t care how much you pay for sushi- you are getting a raw deal.
Always remember to look for the end of the extension cord you left in the yard before taking a piss.
Just a reminder that your coworkers aren’t going to get eaten by bears on their own. You have to make that happen. You have to want it.
Kangaroo: SOMEONE TOOK MY BABY
911: try to remain calm
Kangaroo: PLEASE FIND MY…wait..
911: was it in your-
Kangaroo: it was in my pocket
Walk up in the club like “THIS IS MY JAM” handing out small jars of my homemade raspberry preserves
*gives rubber ducky a swig of my wine*
Everybody in this tub getting tipsy.
Tried to take a drink of water while lying flat on floor and was immediately reminded of my place in the universe.
Don’t let anyone tell you who you are unless you’re concussed and confused and genuinely need to know.
“Anyway it was lovely to meet you!” – Translation: Off you go!
[laying in bed at 2am]
ME: hey siri do they still make grape nuts
SIRI: jesus christ go to sleep