scientist: the production of cereals l is destroying the seas. Soon there will be no seas left
aptain runch: why do I always get blamed?
sientist: ause it’s your fault
You Might Also Like
ceo: our customers are demanding ziploc seals for all of our bagged foods
product engineer: ok do you want me to make them easy to open
ceo: lol no
Me at 20: I better stretch before I do a work out so I don’t strain my hammys!
Me at 40: I better stretch before I go to sleep so I don’t strain my neck.
I can’t make it tonight. There’s a couple fighting at Target and the guy just started sarcastically clapping. I need to see where this goes.
The free hotel blow-dryer should be easier to get off the bathroom wall.
the human just came home. smelling like another dog. this isn’t a problem. i’m totally not upset. if anybody needs me. i’ll be over here. wondering what i ever did to deserve this
David Hasselhoff has changed his name to David Hoff.
It’s less hassel that way.
I wish you were here with me baby
So you can close the curtains and let the dog out, I don’t wanna get up
Slut: desirable woman who has sex with someone other than yourself.
Zeus: And I will call it, “Pegasus”
Me: *Crossing out “Mareplane”* Oh yeah no that’s great
I asked my friend what keeps her up at night. She answered, “helium.” Also, my friend is a balloon.
You look like the kind of person who would hit rock bottom and then start drilling.
Why is Twitter so quiet on Sundays?
No way you’re all at church.
A moment of silence please for the bottle of wine I just dropped.
It was a tragic accident.
Gone too soon.
excusing myself in the middle of a date to go to the bathroom and baby-wipe down my whole body. to keep it weird.
I would never bite my own toenails. That’s so disgusting. I only bite other people’s toenails.
Life is short. If you have a crush on someone, walk right up to them then a little past them and just keep going it’s probably not worth it
DAD: I invented a diaper that’s also a time machine!
MOM: Where do the poops go
DAD: dunno!
[CUT TO: A BUNKER IN GERMANY, 1942]
HITLER: omfg
I apologize to everyone that I’ve ever offended.
Just kidding. Could you imagine?
Every so often I’ll tell my son the car is making strange noises and that I need to listen just to get a break from hearing him talk.
When you ask her
“Have you ever read Shakespeare?”And she answers
“No, who wrote it?” ….Keep moving.
The movie scene where discarded clothes lead to lovers in bed, except it’s my clothes leading to my wife picking them up and cursing me.
Patient: I think my problem is imposter syndrome.
Me: [sweating] I assure you I’m a fully licensed psychologist. Or psychiatrist. Which is the one that prescribes meds?
Due to staff shortages, a lot of wizards have developed bad backs
Drama Llama is what they dubbed me in college. Not because of my theatrics, I earned the name by spitting.
Old friend: I barely recognize you.
“That’s the look I was going for. “
Sarcasm so good, they think you’re being nice.
I prefer to date a man after I see how well he treats his wife.
I used to wonder how anybody could possibly drop a cell phone in the toilet. Used to.
Beam me up, Scotty
Seam me up, tailor
Meme me up, internet
Team me up, sports agent
Steam me up, sauna
Dream me up, sleeper
Cream me up, barista
Mmmm. Shoeshi