DAD: I invented a diaper that’s also a time machine!
MOM: Where do the poops go
DAD: dunno!
[CUT TO: A BUNKER IN GERMANY, 1942]
HITLER: omfg
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[superman saves a kid by stopping a train mid track]
reporter: you just saved the kid by using your super strength to stop the train.
superman: yes, yes I did.
reporter: couldn’t you just have used super speed instead and moved the kid out of the way?
superman:
reporter:
My son asked why my legs are “so fat.” You’re damn right I’m here for validation.
[Grocery store checkout]
Me: *cracks open a beer*
Manager: Sir, you can’t do that in here
Me: It’s ok, I’m gonna pay for this
Manager: No, I mean the pony. You can’t ride a pony in here
guy at seaworld: “it’s a cross between an eel and a shark, we’re asking everyone to pick a name for him”
wife: “steve”
me: “sharkeel o’neal”
Juror: we find the defendant guilty
Me: objection your honour! U already asked me if I was guilty & I told u I wasn’t
Judge: he has a point
Spell check is for lasers.
Headed to a wedding but my wife said I’m not allowed to refer to the bride as ‘the veiled threat.’
Me: I want to be like Hemingway.
Friend: a writer?
Me: no. An alcoholic.
my wife went to Costco 3 hours ago and now she’s ignoring my calls. this can’t be a good sign.
Dating tip: Before you think he’s attractive—stop, breathe, and take a moment to think… is he attractive, or is he just a bowl of lasagna?
Let’s cut to the chase babe. I’ve only got a few DMs left.
ok i’ve proved i’m not a robot now you prove you’re not a human
Who cares about the new GTA when you can sit down and enjoy the new testament
Sorry ISIS but we already have a religious state that nobody likes and is full of people that hate modern thinking: it’s called Kansas.
Me: it’s too expensive, I no longer enjoy it, I want to unsubscribe
Therapist: I’m afraid adulthood is permanent
It’s so unfair in life you meet the adult equivalents of the bad kids from Charlie & the Chocolate Factory and you’re not allowed to murder them in various ironic ways.
boss: where have you been for the past seven days
me: in bed
boss: but i said sleep was for the weak
ME [Puts up “Have u seen my dog?” posters across town]
HER: Oh no! You’ve lost your dog!
M: No I just think u should see him. He’s awesome
The enema of your enema is your friend!
~ Autocorrect wisdom
*power walks to the refrigerator*
Exciting news: I got invited to be on a heist team. Not sure what I’ll be doing exactly but being a “fall guy” sounds important.
if i die wearing my guy fieri fire shirt will i be camouflaged in hell
I’ve never been donkey-kicked in the face before, but I have walked past my teenage son who just applied “one spray” of cologne, so same.
How did Kim Kardashian get her hands on Liberace’s bath robe? #GrammysRedCarpet
I find it creepy that everything Bryan Adams does, he does it for me.
There’s a good time and a bad time to share feedback with your wife about things that have been weighing on you, like your inner most desires, hopes or just tightening lids better.
There’s also a horrible time.
Wife: *on hands and knees cleaning up a half a gallon of ranch*
Cop: ma’am i pulled you over because you were tailgating me
Me: okay first of all, if you didn’t want me tailgating you maybe you shouldn’t have a dog in the car
Well, she was raised to refer to dinner as ‘supper’ so obviously it wasn’t going to work out in the end.
I decided to ignore idiots, now I just need to find something to do with all this spare time.
So we’re doing The Trolley Problem but the most important thing is to save the trolley