boss: where have you been for the past seven days
me: in bed
boss: but i said sleep was for the weak
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Well, Well, Well if it isn’t the words I was told I would eat one day.
Free advice: Saying “meaty shaft” in a corporate meeting is like saying bomb on an airplane.
[climbing out of a dumpster] believe it or not, I am here to help
If you have streaks of purple, green or blue in your hair, I will try to eat that cotton candy off your head until you tell me to stop.
Times I’ve gone out to the garbage since she threw away a fur pillow: 2
Times I’ve leapt back thinking an animal was in the garbage: 2
Pharmaceutical commercials saying “living longer IS possible.”
Not a good marketing strategy in 2020, but ok.
Like, obviously I’m against a baby fight club on a moral basis but in terms of humor it’s gold
You would think a Steven with a ph would know better than to address me as Alison with two Ls.
Me: I’m gonna get you dressed.
3yo: cool I’m gonna make it as hard as possible for you to do so.
Me: cool.
3yo: cool.
*wears a clown mask hitchhiking*
Why’s nobody stopping, everyone loves clowns, right?
My husband just screamed NOOOOOO so loud I thought something was horribly wrong. Don’t worry you guys, no one is injured, someone just hit their ball in the water at the Master’s.
Me: *coughs*
*coughs again*Husband: Are you ok?
Me: Yes.
*secretly opening the last sleeve of thin mints I don’t want to share*
HER: Hi, I’m your real estate agent.
ME: It’s okay, I can tell when someone is imaginary, you can just say “estate agent”.
Insane how Jesus was born on Christmas and resurrected on Easter??? Like what are the odds
Had the old “waterboarding your coworkers for making your coffee get cold is not punishment fitting the crime” talk with HR today.
Again.
me: look, I’m just saying things have gotten really complicated, and I think we need to start over
box of plastic wrap:
I break it to my toddler that “L-M-N-O-P” is not one letter, but 5. And we’re going to have to learn every one of those effing bad boys. She is aghast. I calmly assure her this isn’t the first time she’ll be disappointed upon learning the “real” lyrics to a song she likes.
don’t worry about why I watched your story within 5 seconds of it being up, worry about why you’re checking your views within 5 seconds of posting.
Zoom is really only for one thing: realizing our dream of staring at ourselves while talking to other people.
If God didn’t intend for us to eat animals, he was probably really freaked out when we started
I don’t know who needs to hear this but if you have a flock of sheep that’s having trouble with foxes/dogs get an alpaca. The alpaca will happy join the flock as a ‘long sheep’ and will kick the shit out of anyone who messes with its gang.
Source: grew up on a farm.
Clerk at Lowes handed me my receipt and I said, “Have a good day.” He responded, “Have an even better day,” and now it’s a god damned contest.
Imagine the things Wile E. Coyote could have done if he’d had access to Amazon Prime Days.
[reading my journal] me: damn what a psycho
A smile every mile will get you further faster but if that doesn’t work, carjacking does.
[space shuttle]
Captain: prepare for landing
Me: roger that
C: reverse thrusters
M: sretsurht lol
C: lol
*we smash full speed into the moon*
Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory is the most whimsical film about the systematic murder of children that I have ever seen.
These dogs look like they have good credit.
We went to Sam’s today to stock up on essentials. When the cashier said, “That’ll be $301.42.” My son whispered, “Jesus, Mary, and Joseph.”
And that’s when I knew all that Catholic school was paying off.
[pulled over]
Cop: Sir the reason I stopped you is your license plate is just a piece of paper with numbers written on it
Me: (offers badly drawn $100 bill) Oh you don’t say maybe this will clear everything up