If God didn’t intend for us to eat animals, he was probably really freaked out when we started
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[uber driver dropping me off at the gym] see you back here in five minutes
Me:
Pale people: I’m so white that I’m translucent, no one is as pale as me, last week my uncle thought I was the ghost of a Victorian-era cellar boy
Rubs Vaseline in his eyes so I match my Instagram filter
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
My daughter is writing a poem about our dog and she’s trying to find a word that rhymes with his name. Our dog’s name is Tucker. This will not end well.
Sleeping Beauty taught me that:
1. I’m not the laziest girl in the land
2. If you sleep long enough, strange men break in & do stuff to you.
Homophobia is stupid. Who the hell is afraid of homes.
[filming lord of the rings: fellowship]
peter jackson: great scene
sean bean: thanks but it’s pronounced “shawn”
I start conversations with my children by saying “Listen to me,” to ensure they stop paying attention from the beginning.
My cousin Tay Tay vaped once at a party and she went on to steal hundreds of dollars in clothing from various stores we don’t know if it’s related but you can never be too careful
Hike in groups. Bears like to have options
well. like. what the hell does that leave me with then i mean cmon
WIFE: would you take a bullet for me?
ME: baby I’d take a bullet for anyone
They say treat others how you would like to be treated.
Now I have to go out on a date with a guy and treat him like a princess.
Drugs don’t kill people, people who run out of drugs kill people
Netflix and oh great my wife is asleep already.
The main city in DuckTales being called ‘Duckburg’ is mad. Imagine a human city called Manchester
I rolled up my yoga mat absolutely perfectly and if you think I’ll mess that up by working out, then you’re out of your mind.
Chairperson: So Dave is calling this season ‘fall’ because the leaves fall off the trees. Have we a name for the next one?
Dave: Death!
Chair: Ok Dave, calm down. Anybody else? Anybody.
When you need to go shopping but have to Kill Bill first.
I show extra confidence at a job interview by giving a firm handshake before and after every question.
My kids are fighting over which chores they want to do and this is one fight that I’m not breaking up.
The glove snap before the prostate exam isn’t necessary. We just do that to mess with you.
You’d seriously think I was wanted for murder by the way I react when someone knocks on the door…
My email password has been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename the cat.
Wife: HAHAHAHAHA
Me: HAHAHAHAHA
[we put our clothes back on]
The afternoons I spent on my hair.
Franz Kafka, 1912.
Her: What do you notice that’s different about me?
Me: I’ll just sleep on the sofa, see you in the morning.
88% of the lies parents tell their kids are that the store was out of the snack that they forgot to buy.
It would have been cool to see the discovery of salt. “This food tastes bland. Let’s see if I can improve it by adding some rocks.”