If God didn’t intend for us to eat animals, he was probably really freaked out when we started
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The worst thing about working from home is when you get on a customer call, the Amazon driver shows up, and you have a dog.
i hate being a girl i wish i was a computer virus
Oh, you drink black coffee? Tell your ulcer I said good morning
To all my friends who lost weight- I found it
Dr: do you know why you gained weight?
*Flashbacks to eating fries in the car sobbing and blasting Adele*
Me: no, better run some tests
[walks date home]
HER: Wanna come up for a nightcap?
ME: I gotta work early
HER: I have 2 dogs
ME:[already running up stairs like Rocky]
DoorDash is great if you like having a sandwich and also 13 emails
Gmail told me my password wasn’t secure enough but I couldn’t remember it to change it.
How is it not secure enough if I made it and still can’t crack it??
Common sense: Walk away.
Me: No.
I hate to brag, but I just had some sizzling hot, steamy action in the shower.
(Tried to clear the drain with baking soda, vinegar and boiling water)
May have had one breakfast too many
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the ghost that shares the upstairs bathroom with us would like a word
I’m just eating cereal out of a bucket now, like a horse
doctor who has a passion for magic, during a colonoscopy: is this your card?
I love Bounty but even I think this is cursed
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Up until 2013, Pizza Hut was the largest buyer of kale in the US
They used it to decorate their salad bar
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[Alien family passing Earth]
*door lock noise*
She died doing what she loved. Taking six different orders for eggs from her kids.
Life would be so much simpler if you could just smack the stupid out of people instead having to reason with them.
my coworker told me she caught a cold from me that i faked
“Sugar we’re going down swinging” used to be a cool song. Now it’s what happens when I bend over, braless, to pick up a floor doughnut.
WebMD: You have cancer.
Me: No, I feel fine. I clicked you by mistake.
WebMD: And good thing you did… Cuz of the cancer.
I was talking to my son and he casually pulled a bag of chips out from under his pillow, and started eating without breaking eye contact
He living his best life
I’m at the age where drinking a cup of coffee now makes me feel like Popeye scarfing down a can of spinach.
Chemical wingman
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I made a bacon sandwich this morning then managed to drop it on my white t-shirt. Luckily nobody was using the washing machine. That’s where I keep my emergency bacon.
*golf pro picks up his ball and eats it*
*audience claps politely*
ME: I wish I had a TV camera I can look at in opportune moments
GENIE: um ok
ME: I wish everyone was gullible
GENIE: Done
ME: And I wish for updog
GENIE: What’s updog?
ME: *looks at camera*
him: this might be the whiskey talking but are you checking me out?
cop: licence and registration
but whales can’t sink a sub
ORCAn they?