Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*pronounces “vaseline” like “baseline”*

so mom just interrupted my Zoom standup set to ask me to carry her martini to her bedroom because it was too heavy.

I’ll grant you this, missing our scheduled call because you “had to chase and catch your pet pig” is the best reason I’ve ever heard.

First date
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m currently trying to eliminate all cancers
Her: Wow, impressive
Him: Then I’ll move on to Virgos

i always feel slightly dishonest ticking the “i’m not a robot” box because how do i know, how does anyone know for certain

You know dystopia has arrived when Victoria’s Secret starts selling brass braziers.

Some people age like wine, others age like milk.

I do not hit my children. However, I do text them in complete sentences with capitalization and punctuation, which is apparently equally aggressive.

*eats a bag of chips*
*eats 2 baked potatoes*
*eats a plate of fries*
*eats a plate of mashed potatoes*

Being a vegetarian is easy!

The lady behind me in the drive-thru honked impatiently so i paid for her order. When she pulled up to the 1st window to pay, her expression was priceless. Then I picked up both orders at the 2nd window and drove away

I once watched a documentary on ferns because the remote was out of reach.

No amount of college can prepare you for how angry you’ll get at the way people park in the real word.

My favorite game with the kids is one where I play dead until they go around to their dad’s side of the bed and wake him up.

5 year old: Mommy, I traded 31 emeralds for 41 bread!

Me: Cool! I just did that at Whole Foods

They call cat people crazy but we’re not the ones outside at 5AM every morning putting fresh dog poop into tiny baggies.

Cats do not subscribe to the laws of physics.

“I’m light-headed. I just need to eat.”

-my excuse for everything

Seems legit

“I love this song!”

“This is my favorite song!”

“I love this song!”

“No, THIS is my favorite song!”

~ Me, listening to my own playlist

I made my 9 year old french toast with syrup this morning per his request but promptly found out that he thought the fork and knife I provided were just a fun suggestion so anyway how do you get maple syrup off pants?

a squirt gun filled with tuna water would be a pretty devastating weapon

So my therapist recommended a “digital detox” and I did way better than I thought I would. I only checked Twitter three hundred and twenty seven times today instead of eleventy billion.

*meeting an actual guy*

Him: Who’s your team?

Me, not a sports guy: I really enjoy a good tussle from the *reads off palm* Green Day Flockers but I love all sports ball participants

Me: I brought you some bird seed.

Rad Pigeon: Coo’

This is the best one I’ve seen

Nobody:

My husband: That’s it. I’m going to bring back jean shorts.

Don’t go chasin’ waterfalls. If a waterfall isn’t staying in place you probably have bigger things to worry about. Run for your life.

My son got his soccer ball stuck in our tree so I remedied the situation by getting 3 of my husband’s shoes stuck in the tree instead…

Teamwork makes the dreamwork

[me at my dumbest texting my friend]: u left your phone at my house

*duck waddles into bar

Duck: Bread

*bartender takes slice out of bag

D (angry): Just leave the loaf