but whales can’t sink a sub
ORCAn they?
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If the floor is lava, that couch isn’t gonna help you, kid.
We’ve replaced my roommate’s Sour Cream Pringles with a colony of wasps I’ve been antagonizing for a month. Let’s see if he notices.
Date: Uhh seriously?
Me: Oh don’t tell me you don’t sneak food into the movies too
*dips lobster in my pocket filled with melted butter*
*puts to and to together*
*blesses the rains down in Africa*
In hindsight, naming my family portrait studio Let Me Shoot Your Kids, was probably not the best business decision.
My husband just reminded me that we have fish sticks which is awesome because I was worried I didn’t have anything to pack my kids for lunch that they wouldn’t eat
Unfortunately she wasn’t even looking when I was pulling off those sweet moves on the trampoline.
When witches and warlocks correspond about their carnal passions, they’re hexting
Being on vacation with kids is a great reminder why you should never be on vacation with kids.
Sorry I flinched when you told me you loved me. I’ve been practicing my poker face. Can we try again?
Nice romantic weekend with the husband.
Me: Babe I just took my sleeping pill you have about 15 minutes to get some.
Husband: My stomach is bothering me from dinner.
Me: Ok goodnight
“Oh hello, I didn’t see you there!” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you
*sets down half eaten bag of potato chips on the elliptical*
I put the tomatos and the ketchup right next to each other in my refrigerator just so all the food knows I have no mercy
So is Walmart a verb now?
As in, “I’m out of clean underwear, so I’m going to have to Walmart it today.”
*walks up to salad bar and fills entire plate with bacon bits and chocolate pudding*
Apparently new moms are supposed to “sleep when the baby sleeps,” but I have yet to find anyone who has mastered the art of sleeping while driving or pushing a stroller.
If Facebook changed “poke” to “stab” I would use it all the time.
Man Derives Depressing Amount Of Pride From Hometown Burger Chain
Me: Goodnight moon
Moon: night.
Me: What?
Moon: nothing. It’s fine.
Me: You’re acting distant
Moon: I’m 238,900 miles away
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
A triumphant is an especially successful elephant.
farmer: hay
horse: I have a boyfriend
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this pint of ice cream, but the important thing is that I tried.
Me: oh wow, do I detect just a hint a peppermint?
Cellmate: *stabbing me in the neck with a Candy Cane shiv* what is wrong with you?!
I’ll never understand women. A species that loathes you for asking their age, but tortures you forever if you forget their birthday.
Next time you yawn in front of me i’m gonna chuck a peanut m&m down your throat.
I can’t afford a personal trainer so instead I go to the gym and lift incorrectly and wait for 3 different dudes to correct me for free.
Billy Joel’s washing is still wet because he didn’t start the dryer.
I’ll bet you I can make this chicken fly
“You’re on”
*puts sunglasses and Weezer t-shirt on chicken*
*squirts Axe body spray*
Pay up