Fingers in her belt loops, I pull her in for a kiss. We topple backwards, her arm falls off and a voice shouts “don’t touch the mannequins!”
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[Throwing change in a well]
Me: I wish you well.
Well: I already am a well.
20 yrs from now they’ll make a movie on how Leonardo DeCaprio never won an Oscar. Plot twist the actor playing him wins an Oscar.
i love horror films but this one with the killer making people stay at their desks after work is next level sick.
Are there any police officers willing to come to my house in uniform and tell my kids that not listening to me is against the law
Mom, can you come pick me up? I’m at a party and someone is coughing.
Why do drugs after 30 when you can just stand up too fast?
“ICE BUCKET CHALLENGE LOL!”
-captain of the Titanic
My boss said he likes how I remain so calm under pressure. Can’t tell him it’s because I don’t give a shit
Me: Wow this recumbent bike is pretty comfortable.
Trainer: Ok now start pedaling.
Me: What?
Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I asked too many questions.
houseplants b like due to personal reasons i will be passing away…
I have so many mistakes. It’s hard to choose a favourite.
[date]
him: I loved Captain Marvel.
me: Me too!
him: What was your favorite part?
me: *sweating* The uhhh…marveling
Too bad we can’t get paid for our funny tweets. I could probably make about $10.
If you’re creepy and you know it ~~~> buy a van
[holding a playstation controller while i watch Friends and pretending i’m controlling chandler]
Can I get a refund on my kid? This one smiles and makes direct eye contact while she does exactly what I told her NOT to do.
Her: Awww. Can I hold your baby?
Me: Of course. Here you go.[later]
Her: Can I see your phone?
Me: *eyes narrowed* Are you insane?
[playing with a Ouija board with my dog]
Board: B A L L
Me: I know that’s you moving it! Stop!
Board: T R E A T S
Honestly I don’t think I have any more new passwords left in me. You wanna steal my identity? Go ahead, I hope you enjoy debt and terrible posture.
What do geologists do on a day by day basis? I mean…haven’t we basically discovered all the rocks by now? I don’t get it.
me: do you guys massage calves
masseuse: of course
me: perfect [holds door open for a bunch of baby cows]
[at wedding]
Pastor: If anyone opposes, speak now or forever hold your peace
Me (raises hand)
Pastor: It’s your wedding
Me (lowers hand)
Then I said, “hi hungry, I’m dad!:
Other dads:
“Thats an exercise in futility” OK great so Im exercising
Find someone who looks at you,
I think that’s a pretty good start.
Describe yourself in four bold words and two exclamation points
Me:
Worst part of a bottomless pit isn’t the plunge, it’s the endless polite small talk you have to make with the guy falling next to you
Me: I miss the good old days
Wife: when we were young, alive, still full of hope?
M: no, when I had to use an ampersand to make a tweet fit
W: I despise you
[doc pulls baby out of mom and immediately slides it under his shirt] oh no NOW I’M PREGNANT haha no [pulls it out] just kidding here you go