According to the group of firemen in our floor’s breakroom… my microwave popcorn is burnt
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Being grown up is simply knowing that body wash is different from hand soap but the same as bar soap but shampoo is different from body wash and bar soap is not for your hair and we don’t put body wash or shampoo next to the sink or hand soap in the shower
I went to high school with these people on Facebook, so I’m confused on how they didn’t learn HOW TO SPELL.
Interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
Me: yeah I spent ages on it then Word did that thing where all the paragraphs go weird
Interviewer: I mean where you didn’t work for 6 months
Me: well I had to recover from the Word thing
Me: [starts singing quietly to myself while doing dishes]
My 5-year-old, who regularly screams for no reason: Stop that
They won’t give me insurance on my phones anymore, but yet they don’t make phones that survive being thrown against walls?
It’s nonsense…
I told my wife Netflix is voice enabled and listening to her scream “I’M STILL HERE!” repeatedly at the TV is maybe the greatest thing ever.
Me: I’m not interested in you that way
Them: Which way?
Me: Pick one
What Abba never mentioned is that Dancing Queen is really a figurehead position. All the real power is in the hands of Dancing Parliament.
Inspired by T.G.I.Fridays, I opened a place called C.L.I.Thursdays. It closed down though because most guys couldnt find it
TRUMP: I’m gonna lose, huh?
RYAN: Yes.
[silence]
TRUMP: Thank God.
RYAN: I know
TRUMP: I’d be SO bad at it
RYAN: We literally all might die
#MeanwhileInCanada
By a show of hands, how many of you are raising your hands?
If your conservative parents piss you off over the holidays, come out to them. You don’t even have to be gay, it’s just a fun thing to do.
[first day as homicide detective]
Cop: any signs of forced entry?
Me: yeah, a bullet somehow forced its way through his face & into his head
the casting director for “the boys” probably just left a few milkshakes out
If I’m ever in jail my one call is going to be to the Koolaid guy.
[hitchhikes]
[arrives safely and not murdered]This is bullshit.
mobster: *choking me with garrote*
me: ok NOW I’m wearing a wire lol
My husband was so excited to finally have a kid that shared his love for baseball until the bottom of the 8th when she loudly asked “is this baseball or football?”
I’m 43 years old, and 1995 was 4 years ago, but 2003 was somehow 30.
My favorite winter activity is clinging to the wall while ice skating
OH GOOD!
My child is tall enough to reach light switches.
ME: *brings my mom to a knife fight*
MOM: *shouting* use your words!
MOM: *chasing knife fighters away with a broom* I know your mothers!
[Attorney’s office]
*checked box for cremation*
*signed last will and testament*Guess I just made an ash out of myself.
Wife: *rolls eyes*
Did he also sign the DNR?
I forgot the word for donut so I said cop bagel
Go buy a burrito, leave it in your fridge, get drunk, come home and be your own best secret admirer.
throwback to when the car insurance lady asked my mom for front, rear, & side views but she didn’t get the memo..
if you have dark hair you literally can’t get a bob and not look like lord farquaad from shrek. it’s impossible ive tried it so many times.
Shipwreck diary, Day 32,567: So, turns out I’m immortal.