Me: [starts singing quietly to myself while doing dishes]
My 5-year-old, who regularly screams for no reason: Stop that
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Today from 9 to 10 AM we are having an all-hands family seminar on how to replace an empty toilet paper roll.
Push me aside, but I will come back. Hide me, but I will always emerge.
I AM POWER.
I AM RESILIENCE.
I AM A BRA STRAP.
Boss: You can’t or you won’t do it?
Me: Yes
First base: drinks
Second base: hooking up
Third base: consistently hanging out for over 3 months and refusing to call it a relationship because both of you are terrified of commitment and communication
Met a guy from Iraq today who grew a full beard as I was meeting him.
The reason the “Cars” movies have gained so much popularity is becuase the cars speak to one another. You don’t get that with real life cars
SOLDIER DYING IN MY ARMS: tell everyone of my bravery
[me 3 months later]
I think he had a brewery
in scotland, it’s illegal to be drunk and in possession of a cow. i just want to know how many times this happened before the government had to put their foot down
after a certain point in life the “walk of shame” is about a plunger
Pop up from someone’s backseat to show you care.
Place any sort of bowl like object anywhere in your house and in a month and it will have collected old screws, batteries, and pens like some kind of black hole.
Detective: Where were you on the night-
Me: Twitter
Detective: Between the hour-
Me: Twitter
Detective: I wasn’t fini-
Me: Twitter
Me: *getting too close to smell a candle* This one smells like burnt hair. Weird choice.
My 3 year old reported seeing a spider-cricket and I couldn’t find it so we’re outside watching the house burn.
“All you need is love.”
-billionaire musicians
If you run out of pet names for your partner, just call them assorted baking ingredients: sugar, honey, cinnamon, vanilla, garlic powder, Montreal steak seasoning, butter, pumpkin.
These childbearing hips have yet to turn one single child into a bear and frankly, I’m disappointed.
I adopted a rock.
He just sits there and does nothing all day.
It still beats raising Kylo.
This year I’m gonna get healthy and start dating and find a husband and shit rainbows and ride a unicorn. It’s good to have goals.
The ghost of the girl murdered in my apartment in the 1920s would scare me a lot more if she didn’t keep queuing up Paw Patrol on Netflix.
I went to Lowe’s to buy a human-sized microwave & the guy loudly said they don’t exist & then took me to a back room & they had lots of them
Filming my own version of “Taken” using cats. My cat will play Liam Neeson and the red dot from a laser pointer is his daughter.
Hi everyone! Welcome to AA. This is a “judgment free” zone…unless we’re talking about Janice who ate all the cookies last week.
If global warming is a hoax, then how do you explain all these hot singles in my area?
*sees sharp scissors, hot glue guns, and simmering office rage*
Maybe team building with arts and crafts wasn’t such a great idea.
Plastic silverware: because the only thing I hate more than poisoning the environment is washing dishes.
[opens fortune cookie]
be careful what you wish for
[opens another]
this is your final warning
I’m so poor I can’t even pay for my own consequences.
[before nap]
I’ll be really productive once I get some sleep!
[after nap]
well now it’s way too late to do anything