My little old fish didn’t move around in her bowl all day. i thought she was dead but it turns out she was just going through minnow pause.
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gonorrhea would’ve been a good name for a diarrhea medicine.
if u ever feel insecure just remember that there is at least one couple where your name is a sensitive topic. kinda sexy of you to be that important
My toxic trait is putting my black phone down on a black surface for “just a second”
babe are you okay??? you’ve barely touched your chromatica limited edition curry
Ordering surgeries off the secret menu at the doctor’s office.
I’d expect Captain America to be fatter.
Bing: It’s Dutch! This tweet is in Dutch! Let me translate it for you!
Me: no it isn’t, she just said “hahahaha”
Bing: come on give me a shot you won’t regret this
Me: fine i’ll click it
Bing (instantly): Could Not Translate
restaurant owner: you start on monday
me: I can’t wait
restaurant owner: I don’t think this will work out then
Them: you’re fired
Me: Well GOOD LUCK dealing with this mess when I’m gone *gesturing to my crumb-covered workspace*
horse: [driving in a car past people in a field] PEOPLE!
Me: I fear nomadic lifestyles.
Therapist: …I gathered.
Me: [screams]
The court system could save a lot of money on psychological exams by reading Facebook posts to determine if a person is crazy.
We went to Sam’s today to stock up on essentials. When the cashier said, “That’ll be $301.42.” My son whispered, “Jesus, Mary, and Joseph.”
And that’s when I knew all that Catholic school was paying off.
her: the car isnt working. you need to do something about it
me: sure *to car* GET A JOB YOU LAZY CAR
her: i meant a mechanic
me: i really dont care what job
you know how picasso had to learn the rules of painting before he could break them? that’s why i’m going to law school
Two wolves? Cute. I’ve got 8 pieces of pizza in me
Optimus Prime: so it’s settled. I’ll be a huge cool truck, Bumblebee you’re a camaro. Any questions?
[Dan the station wagon raises his hand]
“Did you just elect a pope in there?” he asked as the vape cloud billowed from her car window.
[vet school]
ME: Welcome, students. Hope you brought textbooks because-
[spins cat on finger like basketball]
-I have no idea what I’m doing
[texting]
-have a good day
You two!
*to
Ugh *tpp
Arghh *yoo
DAMMIT *two
shit *TOO
YOU TOO
There! 🙂-please stop texting me
Ha! You two!
“You may now kiss the bride”
Wow this is the happiest day of-
*dad flies by in hot air ballon*
QUEEERR
*throws football at my head*
ever get so drunk you discover the next day you’ve legally changed your name to celine dion?
unrelated—anyone know how to legally unchange your name?
dm celine dion, please.
i just overheard this conversation from my family and i honestly give up jesus christ
sister: the bus driver earlier had sunglasses on + it’s been raining all day
dad:
sister: i wonder why. maybe he was blind?
dad: oh yeah, maybe
[they watch tv in silence]
me: ?????
Any ghost sophisticated enough to haunt a hotel is going to find the 13th floor whether you have an elevator button for it or not.
Don’t try take your pants off while walking down stairs.
Lesson learned
Don’t perform CPR because you never know when a giant alien spider is dressed in a human suit.
Magic words that make my children disappear:
3) Bath time
2) Who did this?!
1) When I was your age…
[3am]
WIFE: *nudging my shoulder* I can’t sleep, do you wanna…
ME: *suddenly awake*
WIFE: …teach me calculus?
ME: We begin, as we must, with the concept of a derivative
I always keep a shotgun under my bed in case a horse sneaks in and breaks his leg
If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.