Bing: It’s Dutch! This tweet is in Dutch! Let me translate it for you!
Me: no it isn’t, she just said “hahahaha”
Bing: come on give me a shot you won’t regret this
Me: fine i’ll click it
Bing (instantly): Could Not Translate
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The computer keyboard was invented before the mouse. It was a precursor.
[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
BREAKING: Swiss Police confirm that, when arrested, all seven FIFA officials threw themselves on the ground and pretended to be injured.
Kids at bedtime are like a nine page food blog for a simple ramen noodle recipe
kayleigh i promise i won’t make fun of your name again pleighse give me another chance
Sorry I romantically ran a seagull feather across your lips.
You can wonder about other people’s motivations or you can hit yourself in the head with a hammer, and the end result is roughly the same.
when your food arrives but you have to wait for everyone else at the table
Cost me $200 to fill up my tank tonight. Don’t know why I bought a tank, so impractical.
Top 5 Zones
5 – Twilight
4 – O
3 – End
2 – In the
1- Cal
“No, the bubble isn’t a circle it’s a sphere.” – Keeping this uppity four year old in check.
10 y/o daughter walked up to me and said, “My Father’s Day gift to you is me because without me, you wouldn’t be a father,” then she added, “You’re welcome,” before walking away and that about sums up being a father.
H: What’s for breakfast?
M: I’m having potatoes and orange juice. *sips juice*
H: Great, when are you making potatoes?
M: They’re in my orange juice.
My kid asked me what gaslighting is but I didn’t know how to explain it so I just said it’s not a real thing
Sweetie if I was fake, I would pretend to be someone awesome and not a lonely weirdo.
The loudness of the sound made by setting a plate in the sink is directly proportional to the number of sleeping people you are trying not to wake.
Genie: Alright, you know the drill, 3 rules: no wishing for death, no falling in love, no bringing anyone back from the dead
Me: I wish my socks were tongues 🙂
Genie:
Genie: There are 4 rules
Don’t you hate noticing that an office memo says it’s for discussion purposes only and you have to unfold your paper airplane?
Humans share 70% of our DNA with zebrafish. So when you’re having difficulty getting anything done, it’s usually because a zebrafish is using the DNA.
My current wife doesn’t like when I call her that
My husband said he bought the toupée for me, but then got upset when I put it on. I dont get men.
Googles: what to do with 100 dyed hard boiled eggs
Google: do you have any enemies?
ME: [putting a condom on]
HER: it doesn’t go on me
Dude. It’s just a crayon. Don’t do anything drastic.
Nothing takes longer than a kid telling you a joke they just made up.
HER [sits seductively on my lap] The more you tip…the more I’ll take off
ME [reaches for wallet] This is such a weird way to cut hair
“Paintings or it didn’t happen.” – 1700’s-1920
The weather is so hot that it gave me the wrong phone number.
My family can’t decide what kind of Lab to get (Chocolate, Yellow, Black, etc.) so we drew straws.
I won, so we’re getting a Meth.
pirate: walk the plank
me: ok but i don’t have a leash lol
pirate: *drops sword* dad?