Procedure for being unthanked for door holding:
1. Keep eyes fixed on culprit
2. Say you’re welcome
3. Shake head
4. Mutter “unbelievable”
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DR.: you’re going to feel a little bit of pressure. Ready?
ME: yes
DR.: your sister is younger but already has a career path & owns her home
[first day at prestigious culinary school]
“I don’t see this on the syllabus, but when do we cover French regional microwave cuisine?”
Not knowing the words to a song sure as hell doesn’t stop me from making random noises in an attempt to sing along anyway
He entered the gym: eye patch on, peg leg in; he’d made his costume himself. It was a pilates class. He realised his mistake immediately.
I could never be an actress because I don’t want kids and would never be able to say “but my favorite role is being a mom” at award shows.
During the bank robbery, I was the one who heroically soiled himself & cried in order to incapacitate the robbers with laughter
‘Mr lover lover mmmhm Mr lover lover, she call me Mr Boombastic, say me fantastic, touch me on the back, she say I’m Mr Ro.. mantic..’
Judge: *sigh* Again, please just state your first and last name for the court or you’re going to jail.
The devil on my left shoulder says “bring frozen fish sticks to the office potluck”
And the worse devil on my right shoulder says “and then cook them in the staff lounge microwave”
*window shutter falls off my house* we’re gonna need more command strips.
[faulty megaphone]
LISTEN MAN, I {dont} THINK YOU SHOULD DO IT. THERE’S {no} HOPE IF YOU DO.
[bangs megaphone on hand]
JUST {dont} KILL THEM
You know you’re getting old when you decide to tell your doctor the actual truth about your alcohol intake.
Me: I’m here for Unreliable Club
Guy: The meeting was yesterday
Me: I know
Guy *under breath* holy shit this guy’s good
I wanted to buy Mariah Carey’s preferred brand of mouthwash, but my wife insisted we purchase Celine Dion’s. So we split up, citing irreconcilable diva rinses.
Practice self-care like a lighthouse, let your problems crash all around you but avoid it by gazing mindlessly off into the distance.
The Human Body Is 90% Water, So Basically We’re Just Cucumbers With Anxiety” – Science Person
Look grandma. You told me to bring something to the wake. If you meant a casserole, you should have said so. Now help me load this drum kit.
13: *walking into room*
Me: (on phone, talking about types of tomato plants) I like big boys. I’ve had good luck with them in the past.
13: *makes horrified face, turns, walks back out*
KILLER [burying me alive]:
ME: I appear to be in… grave danger.
KILLER [calls the police]:
Me:*Chewing* These pot brownies are disgusting.
Him: That’s a dish sponge.
Me: Oh no! That means –
*Sees all the tea cups eating my Doritos*
A car hit me once, but it was okay because I’m autoimmune
Whenever another guy is checking out my wife, I like to stare back at him until he notices me, and then mouth the words “help me”
*pulls up to drive thru window
Hi yes, do you guys deliver?
The number of people I have accidentally assaulted while talking with my hands is less than fifty, probably.
Definitely less than a hundred.
Me [seeing they want to give teachers guns because there are guns in schools]: There are also drugs in schools.
Let’s walk barefoot on grass!
-People who have never walked a dog
You: *sneezes*
Me: [hears phrases incorrectly but appropriates them anyway] kazoo night.
Ok…who left the bag of idiots open?
intermittent fasting? i just slept 7 hours without a snack what more do you want from me?
“No i’m clearly not in a position to be giving you advice right now”
*gets down from doing a headstand*
“Ok, lay it on me”
“Alexa, take down the Christmas decorations.”