Procedure for being unthanked for door holding:
1. Keep eyes fixed on culprit
2. Say you’re welcome
3. Shake head
4. Mutter “unbelievable”![]()
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How to open a letter:
1. Carefully remove seal
2. Slide your finger unde–okay the seal is back GET THAT SEAL OUT OF THE ROOM NO SEALS ALLO
Me: (accidentally crushes the World’s Smallest Violin)
Guy who owns the World’s Second Smallest Violin: aw yea baby my time to shine
[Boiling in a pot]
Boy lobster: AAAAGGGGHHH!!
Girl lobster: I’m cold
[first day as a doorman]
me: bye, thanks for coming
sperm bank manager: *pulling me aside* this was literally the first thing we talked about
What the kids in the Etch A Sketch commercials could draw:
mountains, murals and beautiful landscapesWhat I could draw:
damaged stairs
I just saved a mom $26 by trying on the same hat her teen daughter wanted.
I’m not superstitious enough to pay attention to signs and such, but
The supermarket freezer door that holds the cheesecakes just swung open UNASSISTED, and I just don’t think I should question this one guys!!
I’m not convinced that Trader Joe’s is actually inspired by a trader named Joe, and isn’t about someone trading exclusively in guys named Joe
Doctor: Do you smoke?
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D: tobacco
Me: No.
Engaged couples should register for two of everything so it’s easier to divide stuff when they divorce.
What do ppl who say “please excuse the mess” when their house is like a museum, want from us?
I like to play this game called “How busy I can I pretend to look when my boss walks by my desk.”
All 3 kids need braces so I explained to them that they will have beautiful teeth but no further education.
Victoria’s Secret supermodels aren’t as impressive if you add shopping bags
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When your pet is staring at you, it’s probably thinking “I wonder how long those things live.”
I regret to announce that my five year old is responsible for the nation’s ketchup shortage.
The enemy of my frenemy is my frenenemy
The number of supermarket loyalty cards I have suggests I am anything but.
I just want to be as happy as the couple described in the first five minutes of any Dateline episode.
My daughter said she got caught zoning out when her friends asked her a question so to look engaged she just made up an answer and I’m so proud she’s the Dad of her 6th grade crew.
[shitfaced at my HS reunion] Has anyone seen the lunch lady
I feel like people who end up on Dateline for committing murder don’t watch enough Dateline to plan their crimes accordingly.
I hate it when my Wife says that we need to talk.
It’s always “What’s wrong with you?” and never about sports, beer or bikini models.
I let my 5 year old talk me into playing kickball-basketball, so now I’ve got to explain this bloody nose to my wife.
When ITS SNOWING in SoCal you make a tiny snow dude ⛄️
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[lost at sea]
Me: *sees giant shark* yeah, we’re gonna –Movie nerd: NEED A BIGGER BOAT?!
Me: – die.
Pregnant women are full of ‘compressed heir’
*first day as a dog catcher
“I don’t see why we can’t use a ball.”
There are many reasons relationships don’t work out.
DIstance should never be one of them.
You want them?
Go get them Xxx
I hope George Clooney dumps his wife so he and Brad Pitt can finally be happy together.