There are many reasons relationships don’t work out.
DIstance should never be one of them.
You want them?
Go get them Xxx![]()
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9: Don’t break anyone’s heart. But they do have 209 bones.
Me: You make me so proud.
kid: i need pencils for school
me: what kind
kid: number 2
[later at the store]
me: do you have any shit pencils
*first day as getaway driver
“I’m gonna make a Starbucks run while you’re in the bank. Who wants what?”
I’ve lost my boyfriend! He’s in one of these browser tabs, somewhere.
I went for a long walk yesterday and my pants are still tight today. This is not how exercise is supposed to work.
Then god said, “Let there be light,” and there was light and he regretted making Adam in the dark because he gave him Owen Wilson’s nose.
Oops, I ate my feelings again.
~ a memoir
Local Singles 2.9 Miles From Your Area
*refresh page*
Local Singles 3.7 Miles From Y..
“no dont leave”
*refresh page*
Local Singles 7.8 Mile
An English version of Cookie Monster called Biscuit Gentlemen who always wants biscuits but also uses the word please, because we’re not savages.
Imagine “are you ready for some football?” sung to the tune of “Do You Want To Build A Snowman?” Yes I’m trying to ruin this for everyone.
[history class in the year 2120]
teacher: so now let’s discuss america in 2020
students: [collective groan]
I do things for others…
Like when I’m drunk dancing by myself, Billy Idol style, and I save my friends from being seen with me.
My neighbor won’t understand why I hide in my car until she has kids.
I wish other people my age weren’t so old.
Me: Why the fake mustache and hat?
Wife: Your text.
M: Huh?
W: It said you wanted to try some “Burt stuff”.
M: Um, Honey-
W: Call me Bandit.
Aliens? Wake me up when something important happens, like a new pasta shape
One of the toughest things about being single is not having anyone around to nag you to buy new underwear.
*knocks over a huge display at the grocery store*
(raises arms in the air)
Ta-da!
I think it broke my bf’s heart when I said he couldn’t have Salma Hayek for Valentine’s Day.
CVS Pharmacist: Agree to the terms on the touchpad
Me: No
CP: U have to
Me: Nope
CP: Is there a problem with the terms?
Me: No
CP: Then sign it
Me: No
CP: SIGN IT!
Me: I’M NOT TOUCHING THAT SCREEN
CP: Then I can’t give u ur Xanax
Me *signs w/my elbow*
CP: Take ur receipt
Me: No
Me: And when there was only one set of-
Jesus: Dude, just tell the cops there were TWO sets of footprints in the sand!
It’s like my Mom always said FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW:
They say don’t eat when you’re bored but I never get bored of eating so I think I’m good.
I know we will never have another revolution in this country because every Chinese food place in my town has at least one review that says “this is the fifth time I ordered from this place and every time it was terrible”
[First day as a driving instructor]
“Okay kid, reverse. Keep going and stop when you hear a bang.”
Batman walks into a Wayne Enterprise meeting and starts talking stocks. He realises he forgot to change. He drops a gas pellet and runs out.
“We’re promoting you to Anchor”
Reporters: 🙂
Sailors: 🙁
I love making pasta when I have a ton of dirty dishes in the sink. just dump that hot water in there when you’re done, and bam! you’ve got dinner and a set of totally clean dishes!
I’m gonna leave this world just like I came in, dawg!
“Yo, for sure. Kickin and screamin!”
Nah, brah. On a giant spaceship.