Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[eraser factory]

BOSS: what makes u think ur right for the job?

ME: *hands him blank piece of paper* I think my resumé speaks for itself

I don’t friend zone people I relationship zone them. You want to be my friend? Too bad, we’re dating.

[at swimming pool]

Me: I remember being 25 years old and doing front flips off the diving board with no problem

EMT: *straps me to gurney* Well sir, you’re not 25 anymore

“WE ALREADY HAVE IT!”

ME: What do we want?!

“TIME TRAVEL!”

ME: When do we–oh

Her: Oh, you brought me flowers!

Me: Yes, one of the many benefits of living next door to a graveyard…

My son sent me a text saying he has a new Lady Friend. I texted back, “Either you’re paying her by the hour or it’s 1885.”

[daughter going on a date]

ME: I want her back at 9

DAUGHTER: dad, I’m 22

ME: you were cuter at 9

Me: a cop once told me that I was the politest drunk he’d ever met

Interviewer: I meant achievements relating to the job

*slips the attendant $20* “make sure you pick me out a good one”

Sir this is a daycare…

“uh huh *winks* a daycare”

“I just love a man in uniform”

~ drunk me, to my garden gnomes

Grandma: can you call out the bingo numbers?
Me: idk i’ve never done it B4
Gma: holy shit you’re a natural

Me: *delivers fantastic presentation*
Fish Boss: great work!
Me: thanks for letting MINNOW what you think!
Fish Boss: you’re fired.

My teenage son just took out the trash without being asked.

Should I be alarmed?

This. Is. Not. A. Drill.

As I drove into the cemetery, the GPS announced I had reached my final destination.

Hiring Manager: Your resume is impressive but what experience do you have in the field?

Me: Frolicking, stopping to smell the roses- typical field stuff sir

Wife: Your problem is your incompetence

Me: I can hold my pee just fine

Haha good job!!

I’m going to start eating healthy again so I need to eat this half of a leftover cake to get it out of the house.

[second week of being able to talk to animals]
omg you like food I get it

Just found out that umbrellas open up. I always wondered why my rain stick never kept me dry. We never stop learning do we.

if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.

Child me at birthday party: gimme gimme ice cream
Adult me at birthday party: gimme gimme cake

My kid: I’ll look

Me: No, no one is going to look

Target Employee: Why don’t you take a look at our new collection of home decor? It’s so beautif-

Me: *blindly flailing a knife from under the blanket covering our heads and cart* I’M ONLY HERE FOR LAUNDRY SOAP, DEMON

Scientists say North America is going to sink into the ocean but we can change that.
With a healthy diet and a little bit of exercise.

I don’t want a Ghostbusters sequel about the grandchildren of the Ghostbusters. I want a Ghostbusters prequel about Slimer when he was alive.

Monsters, Inc. 3:

It’s harder to make kids laugh

The Internet has made them jaded

The monster need help

They teach the kids to smoke pot

I like it when my kids are old enough to drink out of the toilet on their own. That way I don’t have to get out of bed to get them a drink.

Jesus said to love your neighbor, but makes no mention about putting up with their music at 3am.

I love that Twitter is so international. I can hit “send” & be misunderstood by people all over the world almost instantly.

son: dad sing me a song

me: alright *clears throat* SHAWTY HAD THEM APPLE BOTTOM JEANS

wife from the other room: JEANS

me: BOOTS WITH THE FUR

wife: *shows up, grabs both door handles and drops it low* WITH THE FUR

me: THE WHOLE CLUB WAS LOOKING AT HER