There are many reasons relationships don’t work out.
DIstance should never be one of them.
You want them?
Go get them Xxx
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channeling her this year
ME: *admires her calves* ooohh nice
HER: do you mind?!
ME: sorry, sorry *admires her piglets instead*
What idiot called them atheists instead of non-parishables?
[Son’s 1st day of school]
Me: Did you make any friends today?
Son: Yes!
Me: *kneels down next to him* how do you do that?
I wish my car could shake off the rain before going into the garage,
just like a dog after a bath
me: *hiding from kidnapper*
kidnapper: *sneezes*
me: BLESS YOU!
If you’re only18, please don’t tweet philosophy and proverb verbiage based on your first love and the difficulty of your inexperienced life.
[police car behind me]
Me: shit, was that a red light back there?
My dog: like a light grey
Me: …
My dog: if that helps
I learned the name of my neighbor’s dog today.
In other news, I now have free wifi.
velma: another mystery solved gang. there’s no such thing as the supernatural, just ol’ fashioned trickery
scooby doo, the talking dog: rol’ rashioned rickery
I’ve always loved Batman cause I also blame my entire personality on my parents.
If HBO released all ten episodes of Game of Thrones at once, maybe I’d be able to remember the characters’ names from episode to episode.
“Hey, will you join us in our street protest?”
No thanks
“Why not?”
I actually love streets
Yeah….seems legit. *dusts off hands* another customer satisfied.
I KEPT MY CAPS LOCK ON WHEN I SEARCHED RECIPES FOR DINNER TONIGHT AND NOW GORDON RAMSEY IS IN MY KITCHEN
Eventually every parent reaches the it’s a good thing they’re so cute stage.
When you have the opportunity to become a bigger person, take it because cake is delicious.
I decided to clean my closet and found a tangled necklace so i spent the next 30min untangling it and then took a well deserved 2hr break
Hey Ben Carson, at this point in your craziness? Just say you’re Iron Man. What could it hurt?
December birthdays be like…
Sales clerk: That handbag is very pleasing to the eye.
Customer: Really? I don’t like it.
Giant Disembodied Eye: YOU REALLY SHOULD BUY IT
god has let me live another day and i’m about to make it everyone’s problem
“Did you get a haircut?”
“No, I dyed the tips of my hair invisible…”
A guy I know just posted “I’m relaxing today, don’t bother me” on Facebook, and let me tell you: I was going to bother him but now I’m not
i started vaping to fit in with my friends, who are mostly steam whistles
Actually the first 38 years of my childhood have been the hardest.
As much as I love making terrible science puns I understand why they need to be periodically tabled
I won’t be gratified sexually until someone dumps one of those big Gatorade containers on me after.
facebook is down so i am having to improvise
In our wedding, I’ll invite his ex and be like “Still believe you can get him back?”